Desperately Seeking .....Something?

Do You want more of this?

2011-07-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

New Home, slightly new format....Same old cock shots.....

Come visit us!

Dawn: Brad’s superhero skill was stopping fan blades with his penis. Sadly, there was never much call for that skill down at the League.

A new home

2011-07-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. I made promises, then disappeared.

But I never forgot. Nope, never.

I have created a tumblr acct:

http://seekingdesperately.tumblr.com/

and am hoping to do a once a day photo. I know that the links for the photos here have been wonky and I am hoping to move the originals from Blogger to Tumblr. I may have to do it by hand ( which is, of course what SHE said)...My sense of humor is that of a 13 year old Boy.

But it is somewhat ready - so yell it far and wide. DSS is back.

Dear Readers

2011-02-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

I am at a cross roads with this blog. I don't find myself having the urge to find the pictures as pften, nor do I have the energy to round up the people to do the captions.

I tried to get another "group" interested in DSS, but the "respectfully declined". Ironic since one of their blogs is all about Hot Girls in Yoga Pants. Apparently when we turn the spot light on silly men, they get all squeamish.

so I am looking to You - What Should I do with DSS? With my PhD in its final stretch, my husband is really concerned that I will never get a job because of my blogs. Sigh.

I don't want to just kill it, either because there is something here which is incredibly funny.

So - give me your ideas.

Dawn

It came from the Washroom

2010-12-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

Schnapps: Well, at least he's clean. That's a well-used broom.

SB: Oh, yeah, clean my floors baby. That is HOT (I'm kind of not joking here).

Cindylou: Tanning booth much?

SW: I wonder if he's like Ross in that episode of Friends where he got spray-tanned far too much on the front but nothing on the back? Maybe this guy can sing Ebony and Ivory as a solo too.

Dawn: Leroy misread the baby shower invitation with disastrous results.

Schnapps: That between his legs? Is not a normal colour. Exc

SB: Is he constipated? A yogi? What?

Cindylou: It looks like he peed on the floor, or worse

SW: He's calling for his mommy, who is upstairs, cuz he poo-poo'd on the floor.

Dawn: His air guitar solo went a little TOOOO far. I swear I can hear "Panama" from here.

Schnapps: I thought plastic on the sofa went out in the 80ss?

SB: I have fears about what that plastic is for.

Cindylou: the plastic is to go with the plastic strap on he is wearing

SW: I can hear it now. His sweaty ass and legs pulling free from the heavy plastic "sssslllluuuuurrrpppppp!!!" I think he's either in pain, or his ass got left on the couch while the rest of his body broke free.

Dawn: Buddy thought the phrase "wrap it up" meant something different.

Schnapps: So there is a reinforcing rod in it?

SB: No, it is the old "Look, my dick is bigger than a tiny object" ploy.

Cindylou: Maybe it is a magic trick, he strokes the pen and he cums.

SW: I'm impressed. What brand pen is that? I wouldn't mind one for my planner.

Dawn: He hopes to use it to hyp-mo-tize you into wanting to have sex with him. Looooookkkkkk deeeeepppppppllllllyyyy into the peeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

Schnapps: You gotta wonder if anyone ever walks into the bathroom when they're taking pictures.

SB: How did this go down? "So I was at work and I started thinking 'Hey, I have a digicam in my desk drawer..."

Cindylou: And what the hell was he working on?

SW: This is disturbing beyond belief. I used to work in a Chevron convenience store....I think this may have been taken there! *shudder*

Dawn: I bet this guy downloads porn onto his cell phone. Just in case.

What Up With Dat?

2010-11-22T09:33:00.000-08:00

CIndylou: Wedding ring!

Mari: And white anklets.

Maven: I wonder how he explains the carpet burn on his ass to his wife.

Dawn: This is a hell of a lot of work for such an awful pose. Like the Baked Alaska of Craigslist casual Encounters positions

Cindylou: Those are Ernie's eyebrows aren't they?

Mari: That is his superhero disguise.

Dawn: Right before he went on stage to dance for "What Up With Dat?"

Cindylou: Sometimes what you dont' show is sexier than what you do show, but not this time

Dawn: I just want to yell "AVALANCHE" and run.

Anita Cocktail: I thought only women's boobs made a run for the armpits...

Cindylou: OMG he is at the doctor's office. Creepy

SW: Dr. Assman had a cancellation in the afternoon appointments. He used that time to examine himself.

Dawn: I never trusted that opthamalogist.

Cindylou: Moustache, no beard

SW: The decor leaves something to be desired.

Maven: Either shave everything or nothing at all. This isn't a good look for anyone.

You put the coconut in the lime

2010-11-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: The military helmet on the head board raises questions about his fetishes

Josie: Whats in front of the camera though??

Katiefucious: He took off ALL his clothes EXCEPT for his baseball cap. Lazy.

EuroBoy: Josie -it looks like a sword of some kind, this guy is a collector of war paraphernalia, which he stores around his bed.

Dawn: I think someone has been cavity searched going through the border security one too many times. "Hey Mikey - He LIKES it!"

Cindylou: I dont' think you are supposed to wear anything under the lime shorts?

Schnapps: what's with the pukka shell necklace?

Josie: How are his legs not purple? Doesn't all that elastic cut off the circulation?

Katiefucious: Cindylou I think it's an adult diaper.

EuroBoy: I bet you he is looking for a girl who layers her sports bras.

Dawn: Go back to Margaritaville, Jimmy. There's nothin' here for you.
Cindylou: All I can think of is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, oh wait just the first part of that, all fear and loathing

Josie: All I gotta say is keep on Ms. Thang, keep on.

EuroBoy: Elementary dear Watson - I haven't had nooky in a while now.

Dawn: His bathroom is cleaner than yours, Bitch.

Schnapps: Why would anyone think that's appealing? I mean, really, people.

Cindylou: isn't that the move for the last drop of cum?

Katiefucious: Maybe he's trying to stretch it out for the photo.

Mari: I agree with Katie, he is definitely stretching it.

EuroBoy: Perhaps it is camera shy?

Dawn: It's like the coat hanger scene in Mommy Dearest...I can't look away!! How much abuse can it take!!!

Schnapps: Again, why would anyone think that's appealing? :)

Katiefucious: Maybe someone who needs a wallpaper border put up?

EuroBoy: He seems to have his hands in his pants.

Dawn: Or does he, Euro Boy? And THIS is why you don't teach amputees lessons! ( little Arrested Dev reference for all you fans out there)

Metaphors gone WILD!

2010-10-11T08:14:00.001-07:00

Sb: If you're going to show that much, it just makes me wonder why you're hiding the rest.

Schnapps: Looking for the bright side: at least he solved the underwear issue by going commando?

Maven: If this cock were one of the Seven Dwarfs, it would be "Bashful."

Dawn: Did you NOT see Ben Stillers zipped up junk in "There's something about Mary?" Cause thats ALL I can think about when I see these pictures

Sb: I'm glad to see our military...that's all. I'm just glad to see our military.

Schnapps: what's with his butt cheek squishing out sideways?

Maven: Don't ask, don't tell... where his cock is.
Dawn: He's thinking....about how to storm your beach. wink, wink

Sb: As I have said so often before "Schwing!"

Maven: This one puts the "Bone" in trombone!

Dawn: As a quilter, I HIGHLY object to your use of that quilt as a backdrop. Do you have any idea how hard those fucking triangles are to sew? Your peen offends my quilting view.

SB: WHAT is up with that tilty picture? Are you trying to distract me from the fact that you look like a total doofus?

Dawn: I was unaware that there was a pickup bar inside the Ripleys Believe it or Not museum.

Sb: I will admit that hairy guys don't do it for me. But this hairlessness has gone just a little too far...like un-human too far.

Maven: So many things wrong here... the computer chair? The boxes? And yet, it appears as if the cock is attempting to convey: "It went thattta way."

Dawn: If you don't give me a blowjob right now, I'm jumping. ( and other suicide threats of the horny and stupid)

Craigslist Chorus Line

2010-09-21T19:51:00.001-07:00

Dawn: No. I don't want to go back to your apartment and see your "Thriller" routine.

Cindylou: Take your socks out of your underwear.

Mari: If that isn't socks in his underwear, he really should see a doctor about the swelling.

Josie: Hey at least when the ad says dinner and a night of entertainment he holds up to both ends of the deal! I'd be laughing my ass off!

Katiefucious: Where I come from, limp wrists are a bad thing...

EuroBoy: Dawn is right - but it also looks like a Romero remake: Night of the Living Sad.

Dawn: Do you wash your children in that tub, sir?

Cindylou: Or are you visiting your older sibling? the one with kids, maybe Thanksgiving dinner going on in the next room?

Mari: The duckies are the only cute thing in this picture.

Josie: My yoga instructor has hotter arms then that.

Katiefucious: Those look like the pants my brothers wore to baseball games. In fact, it even looks like he still has his cup on...

EuroBoy: Battle of the bulges - Protruding stomach vs. Underwear.

Cindylou: If you are working at that bar for god's sake button up before you shed in someone's drink

Mari: When the owner took the karaoke machine out, he made the best of it.

Dawn I feel this one likes to "Disco"...and feels deodorant is not for real men.

Katiefucious: Nothing says "romance" like alcoholism.

EuroBoy: The Italian metaphor: I am good like Chianti, gets lost in translation...

Cindylou: Oooh it is sad, let's tell it a joke. Or take off the pleather pants
Mari: Going commando in pleather...that HAS to chafe
Dawn: Oh. Oh my friend. You are SOOOOO going to zip yourself. And that blood is not coming out of those pants.
EuroBoy: Yeah, listening to Motorhead wearing that, right... just, as an aside - Lemmy's warts are bigger than what's on display here...

Cindylou: When the senility set in Vic often forgot to put his shirt on under his jacket.
Mari: Makes you wonder if he remembers to wear pants.
Dawn: I can assure you he isn't wearing pants.
Katiefucious: I spy a pretty lamp!
EuroBoy: Oddly - Vic looks like he could start talking about the importance of having life insurance any minute now.

Cindylou: I am puzzled, is that your cane? where is your top hat? Why did your pants fall down?
Mari: It is called a belt - go buy one!

Josie: Oh its one of those stupid human tricks, I wonder what he can do with his eyelids!

Katiefucious: Dude, when a guy tells you he has a barbell in his dick, that's NOT what he means!

Dawn: Someone really misunderstood the open audition ad.

EuroBoy: More battling: Dick vs. Stick.

A few for the textbooks

2010-09-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Lube or post coital ooze? only his girlfriend knows for sure

SB: I think it needs to be checked for mold.

Token Gay: Dude, it's called "manscaping"

Dawn: I find it bizarrely serpentine, that thar penis.

Cindylou: After months of practicing, Charlie could let go and go hands free!

SB: Either the world's tiniest hand or the world's worst photoshop.

Token Gay: Those beans definitely don't go with that frank.

Dawn: He suffers from a debilitating disease whereby his hand grows smaller each time he masturbates. Oh, the Horror!

Cindylou: A few hours a day under the special lamps should take care or your jaundice

SB: That hepatitis is a bitch, isn't it?

Token Gay: That's quite the case of "arctic travel mode" going on. Or is his left actually grown higher?

Dawn: It's a Yoga pose gone awry.

SB: What a charmer. I can't wait to take him home to meet mom.

Token Gay: Or is he pointing at the ball cap that's going to catch fire on the stove?

Dawn: This guy ACTUALLY had these words in his ad: "Must own a car and be drama free." Could you ask for anything more?

Cindylou: I don't think my gyno has a tool that long.

SB: I don't think HE has a tool that long, either, Cindylou.

Token Gay: I hate when the big vein fades away, changes skin tone and miraculously reappears! It's a pee-pee miracle!

Dawn: "And the killer was right handed! Notice the excessive shaving on the left hand side, due to the villain holding the blade in his right hand!"

Vibes that never made it past the test phase

2010-08-16T09:46:00.001-07:00

Token Gay: ....with a built in vibrator!

Dawn: Trojans "Urethra Vibe" never made it past the testing phase.....

Cindylou: I want to flick it and see if it will be a metronome

EuroBoy: I am conflicted; the ghost of penis present or past?

Token Gay: Is he giving birth?
Cindylou: Not to a new relationship
Dawn: Why Toucans and Humans don't mate - getting the beak out is a bitch.
EuroBoy: "Penis Bronzage" was a short lived craze in Quebec in the late nineties -uneven UV tanning eventually led to shedding.

Ash: Owwwwwwww. OW!

Token Gay: What hurts more Ash, the clamps or the man boobs themselves?

Cindylou: I just don't get the nipple clamp thing. Or the man boob thing

Dawn: I am not opposed "per se" to the clamps - But the unattractive boob hanging? Maybe you should buy me a few drinks before flashing me this visual treat.

EuroBoy: Not much of a clothes line really....
Token Gay: Well... Dam!
Cindylou: I stood right there. I have that same picture in my photo album, minus the guy
Dawn: Even Hitchhikers need lovin'.

EuroBoy: You can take Yuri out of Ukraine...but he will bring his bomber jacket. Da.

Ash: Were you trying to dye your pubes and it turned out horribly wrong? Just for men goes on the big head, not the little head. Idiot.
Token Gay: WTF with the white socks? I think I'll just start putting WSWTF on all these!
Cindylou: Manscaping dude, man scaping.
Dawn: Why is your floor so cold that you need the socks? Its like it is a whole different climate zone on the floor. Maybe Al Gore should get in on this as yet unstudied offshoot of Global Warming - An Inconvenient Truth Part II: Men in Socks.
EuroBoy: Question 2. using triangulation and the average height of North American desks. How tall is this man? Show your work.

Purple Rain

2010-08-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: At first glance I thought he was peeing in an odd direction

Anita Cocktail: Mr. Snuffleupagus?

Maven: I'm disturbed by the handiwork of whomever performed his circumcision.

Dawn: You see, I am super distracted by the Purple background. Prince? Is this the purple rain you were singing about?

Cindylou: A young man's stomach with an old man's balls

Dawn: It's sad when the penis attempt to crawl away while the owner has passed out. I feel like we should devise a telethon for this.

Cindylou: No those pants don't make you look fat.

Anita Cocktail: Has he purposefully manscaped a face onto his torso or does the fur grow that way?

Maven: I love the handle bar mustache near his navel.

Dawn: Alfredo thought that stealing the biker shorts from the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" set would bring the lay-dees running. He thought wrong.

Cindylou: That is a whole metric shit ton of antibacterial soap.

Maven: The veins on the shaft look like a road map. Disturbing! And I don't know which way to turn!

Dawn: "Next time I tell you to stand in the corner, You may NOT masturbate."

Maven: Furtively typing this out, hoping the husband doesn't come in and see this of all things on my computer screen... That being said, two things: 1. Nice cockular tan line (nearish the head); and 2. WTF are those sores on his right leg (which would be to the left of the cock in question). I feel itchy now.

Dawn: Razor burn on your balls is SO 2001.

You can't clean suede

2010-07-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

SW: The dog looks concerned, like maybe Cowboy Wannabe Guy is going after him after the picture.

Cindylou: Excuse me dude? That picture on the wall is crooked.

SB: I think the bronc done bucked his wang off cause there's not much left.

Dawn: Its a sad day when you put on your best buttless suede chaps and nobody cares.

Token Gay: Suede? Really? do you know how bad cum stains suede?

SW: Yet another from our Trailer Park gang. I bet this one tans on his roof.
Cindylou: In his wife's underwear, SW

SB: At least he doesn't do it naked.

Dawn: Even with the tan line contrast, it is hard to identify his package.

Token Gay: Too bad the flash doesn't blind you fully from the man-boobs

SW: Fonz?

Cindylou: With the red hair I think it might be Richie.

SB: Ebert and Roper say 2 thumbs down.

Token Gay: Helpful Hint - When trying to impress ladies with your tool, don't let your thumbs be a point of size reference

Dawn: This guy wants you to know that he is a "vagatarian", which is possibly the most disturbing moniker I have run across

SW: Bobby moved away from home when he was 18 to try to make it in the porn industry. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for him and his parents since turned his room into a hobby room. So now he's stuck with his 12 year old brother Billy. Billy insists on sleeping on the top bunk.

Cindylou: And there is a penguin on the desk. Weird

SB: The bunk beds make me want to kind of cry, for some weird reason.

Token Gay: He has to take bottom bunk, he can barely reach the top. And look, he's getting his first pubies!

SW: Interesting. Another fan. But apparently only one sock?

Cindylou: Would it kill ya to shut the dresser drawers?

SB: This pose always makes me say "Scha-WING!"

Token Gay: he's so sucking his stomach in... look how far his sack is pulled in!

Dawn: The variety of horrifying textures, patterns and the one sock simply boggles the mind.

Of Slugs and Salt

2010-06-28T09:54:00.001-07:00

Cindylou: Proof positive that if you squeeze it long enough it will get stuck that way

Edwina: Wait I totally feel like I am wearing 3D glasses.

Katiefucious: Does he have any testicles? I don't see any...

Dawn: I have never trusted a dude in a bathrobe.

EuroBoy: Even if the bookcase in the background suggest a literary interest?

Cindylou: Oh look his girlfriend reads in the bathroom

Schnapps: I own that book. It is entitled, appropriately enough, "State of Fear"

Edwina: I would be more impressed if it was the hard cover edition.

Katiefucious: The Firm......ish

Dawn: The author sees what you are doing to his book from the Great Beyond - and he does NOT approve.

Euroboy: I wish this would have stayed in the Lost World.

Cindylou: At least he minimized all his porn before taking the picture

Edwina: It's a demented ring pop.

Schnapps: Its a demented orange ring pop.

Katiefucious: It's a slimy demented orange ring pop.

Dawn: Jesus - Throw some salt on that slug and kill it.

EuroBoy: Yes! The hygroscopic salt will effectively mess with this monstrosity's osmosis, leading to the demise of the slimy demented orange ring pop.

Cindylou: Nice bod, ugly underwear
Edwina: Is he dancing a merry jig??

Katiefucious: He's going for the Xbox controller.
Schnapps: At least this one got his pants all the way down to his ankles.

Dawn: Pants to his ankles? I wonder which prison THIS fad started in!
EuroBoy: Perhaps that underwear is like really, really comfy, but the ankle pants must see him hop around like a bunny.

He uses lawn furniture in his house? That is so HOTTT!!
Schnapps: I think he had to hide in the basement to get this photo.
Katiefucious: Whew! I'm SO glad we know that the curtains match the rug! I was wondering. I know you all were too.

Dawn: Its like a sad mushroom growing in the artificial light of the basement.
EuroBoy: That looks like the chair he uses to go fishing, he is practicing his bait!

A shout out to our homies in prison

2010-06-21T09:11:00.001-07:00

Maven: "Your tax dollars at work!" He definitely looks like he's either a garbage man or on a "prisoner road clean up crew." It's hard. It's pointing downward. I'm getting mixed signals from this one. Maybe it's depressed.

Mari: Perhaps it just doesn't like orange.

Dawn: Despite repeated testing, Cocks don't make good pool cues.

EuroBoy: Perhaps if he primed it first with the blue cue stuff...

Maven: "SWM ISO SWF for conjugal visits..."

Mari: And speaking of "prisoner road clean up crews"...

Dawn: At least this one believes in truth in advertising. You KNOW he is going to steal your shit right up front.

EuroBoy: And he is not even 6 feet tall...

Maven: ... ?

Mari: My first thought was that the picture had to be taken in a gay bar.

Dawn: Nope. It is the "American Society for the Hetero Appreciation of Freddie Mercury" club. Straight guys like Freddie too!

EuroBoy: Favourite movie? Querelle!

Maven: I am sensing a theme between this one and the first picture of this post. Hard. Shiny. Yet pointing downward. Dejected? Depressed?

Mari: I would be depressed too if I were attached to that.

Dawn: No evolution? Look! This one just crawled out of the fish tank. Take that, intelligent designers.

EuroBoy: Either a fish tank or a vat of toxic waste, either that or he's been swimming in the Han river...

Maven: ... ?

Mari: Is that a knitting basket under the table??

Dawn: And a Coffee tin on the table? Your marketing strategy is remarkably difficult to pin down.

EuroBoy: What is with the decapitated look?

A Bunch of very white guys

2010-06-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Perhaps he is undergoing some sort of cancer treatment?

Anita Cocktail: His cock looks like it's trying to escape.

Maven: This penis today is sponsored by the letter "P"... as in PEYRONES.

The angle of the couch cushions to the floor is what puzzles me most of all. Either that or he has ridiculously Long upper thighs.

Cindylou: The granny square afghan and the flowered quilt and pillow shams make me doubt your masculinity or your status of single.

Maven: What's with the "Come Hither" gesture a la Neo of "The Matrix?" Come and get WHAT exactly?

Dawn: I can only hope that Laurence Fishburne, as Morpheus, is about to leap out of that closet and kick his ass.
Cindylou: Holy Bald Balls, that is quite lonnnnng

Maven: Reminds me of a Robert Crumb type proboscis.

Anita Cocktail: He's ambivalent about shaving but at least he's flexible

Dawn: Note to guys - Leaving the "Hitler Stash" of pube hair has never worked for anyone, ever. Stop it.

Cindylou: Ouch - that looks uncomfortable and likely to get burned, what SPF do you use?

Maven: Could you imagine going to the ER w/a raging case of sun poisoning on one's taint?

Dawn: Kids. Don't use Meth.

Cindylou: Another Fan, no really a fan.

Dawn: Did you have to set the camera up Quite so Far Away? Would it have interfered with the breeze you must need while attempting to seem erotic? And Whats up with the Chandelier you stole from King Henry's Feast?

Stubby McTinyDick

2010-05-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

SB: Dang, so MANY kinds of ugly fabrics, all at once!

Cindylou: If I were into quilting (like Dawn) I might see possibilities here!!

Dawn: Don't drag me and my upstanding hobby into this cesspool of bad taste.

Ash: PICK JUST ONE PRINT, Sheesh!

Schnapps: See, kids? This is what happens when you shop at Value Village.

SB: He is quite a rake, I hear.

Cindylou: "looking for a bush" Turns to buddies, "Do you think anyone will get it, a BUSH?"

Ash: Why can't he at least take off the underpants? WHY?
Dawn: No. I do not want to see your weed whacker.

Schnapps: why is he really in the backyard with his tighty whities pulled down? And why is this coming out in italics?

SB: Hey, is that Madden Football? In THAT case, I'm interested.

Cindylou: Just laying here watching the game, and I thought hey why not take a picture of my cock?

Ash: Stubby McTinydick says hello.

Dawn: If you are whacking off to a football game....you might be gay.

SB: Leads me to wonder: WHAT is that plaid thing?

Cindylou: SB when you figure it out, let me know

Ash: Nothing gayer. EVER.

Dawn: In his spare time, Phil enjoys covering random household items in brown plaid and rehearsing for his lead role in "The Emperor's New Clothes".

Schnapps: What is with these decorating tastes? The plaid refrigerator is a bit much.

SB: So the whole shoe-size, dick-size thing is a myth, then?

Cindylou: Tose are some weird looking toes

Ash: Remember those shoes Randy Quaid Gave Chevy Chase in Vegas Vacation? Dude shopped at the same store!

Dawn: It's like a odd shoe and cock ice cream sandwich.

Polo Pete and the Hot Tub Guy

2010-05-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: If this is the best you have to offer now wonder you don't have a woman in your life.

Maven: We have achieved a Category 4 Scrotal Droop. It's as if his balls are trying to run away from the scene of the crime.

Dawn: Oh dear god. PLEASE tell me you just got out of the hot tub.

Cindylou: This looks like he is denying guilt to the cops

Anita Cocktail: The world's only redneck guido.

Maven: ... WTF? I'm sure knowing "Rule 34," there is no doubt a dating site out there for bigots.

Dawn: Kid Rock, the early years.

Cindylou: I have never seen a cock with labia before

Dawn: This is also a hella puzzling angle. And I think his pubes run down the length of whatever we are calling this hot mess.

Anita Cocktail: It looks like a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage.

Maven: I think there comes a point in time where there is substantial scrotal droop that you just have to give up on the whole concept of testes, entirely. They look like they're melting away. Use 'em or lose 'em, I s'pose!
Cindylou: Nice shave job Humpback

Maven: "He went dat-away!"

Dawn: Holy Collection of Aftershave there, Polo Pete. Ease the fuck up on the eau de toilette.

Cindylou: Is that Brian Wilson? Or some other Beach Boy?

Dawn: "Hey Kids, let's collect starfish! OHMYGOD KIDS RUN!"

Fuzzy Wuzzy Ozzie

2010-04-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Really? Pink Furniture?

Anita Cocktail: Is this some sort of Olympic gymnastics porn homage?

Maven: T'aint nuttin'!

Dawn: The rarely seen mating dance of the Heterosexual Cirque de Soleil performer.

Cindylou: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.....

Anita Cocktail: Ozzie's less successful brother.

Maven: Holy crap!

Dawn: Why don't you take off your jacket and stay...Oh. I see.

Cindylou: Hey Dawn is that a wedding ring quilt?

Maven: It looks like a plant that is bending to reach a light source.

Dawn: My personal fave about this picture? The Mickey Mouse Television set in the back.

Schnapps: Longhorns fan? Or just stuck in the 80s?

Cindylou: Clean your room before mom sees it.

Maven: Wut WUT? No, Srsly. WTF?

Dawn: Your homage to the movie Se7en is not sexy at all..

Schnapps: Here's a hint: clean the bathroom or at least pick up the dirty socks.

Cindylou: I bet this guy is like 17 years old

Anita Cocktail: There was so much going on in this pic it took me a minute to find the cock...it was like Where's Waldo?

Maven: See, I found the Waldo Wang; I just wonder where the rest of its owner is.

Dawn: That is one desperate choke hold he's got going on.

Sometimes I don't even have a good title.

2010-04-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I am confused by the large mirror in the kitchen and the fact that he has a hanging banana rack.

Maven: Hey, just because he's (potentially) a criminal doesn't mean he likes brown, mushy 'nanners!
Furthermore... get this guy a banana hammock... STAT! He's got a Category 3 Scrotal Droop!

Dawn: Hey Yo - I was just walkin' and my pants fell down. What's up with That?

Cindylou: Long haul trucker?

Maven: This one's got the element of a "photo bomb." I was so drawn into so much wrong in this pic, it wasn't until further glancing I noticed his weiner schnitzel. (Also, doesn't he look a bit like Peter Krause from Six Feet Under?)

Dawn: He's just hoping you have got some Pie.

Cindylou: What is with the odd stance?

Anita Cocktail: I love a guy with a velour loveseat.

Maven: "The Trouble With Tribbles."

Dawn: Does he have a peacock sitting on a branch in the middle of his chest? WTF is THAT supposed to signify?

Cindylou: Once again Martin lost his contact lens on the floor.

Maven: What we have right here is a text book "Tripod." (Also note: Possible case of Peyrone's)

Dawn: Gary went to extra special lengths to make sure his spray tan was applied evenly.

Cindylou: Nice boots cowboy!

Anita Cocktail: Hottie? Really? Who are we kidding?

Maven: "Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys."

Dawn: The Motel Six Rapist, preparing for his next victim.

Many Bad Jokes

2010-04-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: ... and over here is where I bury the bodies

Anita Cocktail: Agree. This basement is just a roll of plastic sheeting away from a kill room.

Maven: "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose." LOL @Anita -- great Dexterism right there.

Dawn: I like how he has the fuse box already open, so he can quickly turn the lights off once you are down there, and can't escape.

Cindylou: I spy Neutrogena body oil, and I proclaim thee in a relationship.

Maven: If this cock were one of the seven dwarfs, it'd be "Bashful."

Dawn: Sir, this is a cock, not a precious baby to be swaddled.

Cindylou: Please no more on the toilet photos, step into the bedroom.

Maven: WTF? It's got a grab bar. Obviously snapped in a public shitter. Class-AY!

Anita Cocktail: From the looks of the reading material hanging there it looks to be a handicapped stall...classy.

Dawn: Oh God. This might be the bathroom I used in the Boston Borders...

Cindylou: LOL! What the hell is that?

Maven: Srsly. Thought this site was all about cock, not about brassieres crafted out of ironic, yet bovine print fabric.

Dawn: Michael Jacksons Distinctive Ballsack!

Maven: Mmmmmmm-metus, it's what's for dinner. (My second thought: "Urethral sounding, party of one!"

Cindylou: Willie the one eyed wonder worm performs next

Dawn: That there is one sounding rod away from a HELLA UTI...

Sometimes Why is the only question

2010-04-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

Maven: Well this clues me in why the lounge chairs always stink; though I always thought it was mildew... not just "Ewwww."

Cindylou: Too bad it isn't his furniture!

Katiefucious: His buttcrack looks like an arrow, pointing to his cock. Probably because it's hard to find.

Normandy: And his cock looks like its prairie doggin'.

Dawn: And this is supposed to make me want to fuck you...Why?

Cindylou: Married, or taken at the least. And the bottle of handcream, nice touch.

Katiefucious: Don't forget the paper towels. Cleaning up after yourself is important.

Normandy: Check out the angels over his shoulder!

Dawn: This is one hot fucking mess on those shelves.

Maven: See this guy LOSES creativity points for NOT using the pepper mill (in the background) to contrast/compare cock size.

Cindylou: His balls have a bib, that is so cute.

Katiefucious: Who's up for some grilled wiener??!!

Anita Cocktail: The mood lighting really makes the shot.

Dawn: Why is he lighting tea candles on the edge of the washer/dryer?

Maven: Distended belly + sock + dick-in-jar-of-I-don't-know + unnatural pose = WTF FTW!

Cindylou: Is that Noxema? Wouldn't that HURT?

Katiefucious: This is disturbing on so many levels. Levels of hell.

Anita Cocktail: Mave, you forgot the socks...

Normandy:... They're dirty, Anita.

Rodney: Why do I fear he's filling that container with his seed and plans to put it back on the CVS shelf?

Dawn: Oh dear God. That is a whole lot of terrible images right there Rodney.

Maven: Perchance a photo taken right before embarking on a "New Year's Diet," to document his progress with photos? Boxer-briefs? Gah.

Katiefucious: Quick! Take the photo! I'm suckin' in my gut!

Anita Cocktail: Nice rack.

Normandy: I shaved my chest just for this picture! Ain't it purty?

Dawn: I feel as if, like the cockroach, we have caught this specimen in the light, unawares.

Don't Do it Yourself

2010-03-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Maven: I'n disturbed by: 1. the extreme ~~cock~~... er uh... "close up"; 2. The fact that it looks like he might have a third ball; and 3. If you look quick and blink away, initially, he looks like Prince Harry, HRH.

Cindylou: I thought it was Kevin Bacon.

Katiefucious: His face looks young, but his testicles look old.

Dawn: Old balls and the start of man boobs. Quite a catch there.

Normandy: Is that even healthy? To have the testicles that far apart from each other?

Anita Cocktail: Is he checking to make sure it's still there?

Cindylou: That's one big cock, I mean CLOCK.

Katiefucious: Cindylou, I know what you meant. That cock's almost as tall as the ficus in the corner.

Normandy: Ficus? Check. Ivy? Check. Painted milk can? Check. Conclusion? In a relationship.

Dawn: Taken Moments before Flavor Flav busted in and stole that clock.

Cindylou: Help I've fallen and I can't get it up.

Katiefucious: I bet he could get it up...if he could find it...

Anita Cocktail: Is this corpse porn?

Dawn: In search of: Ladies who enjoy a little narcolepsy loving.

Maven: "Howdy, pardn'er."

Cindylou: You know what they say about men with small hats.

Katiefucious: Save a horse, ride a...er...no thanks.

Dawn: If only this were ironic. Cause you know this guy is going to use up all you mud mask and then scream at YOU for messing up the towels.

Maven: Disturbing! Even his cock looks forlorn and embarrassed.

Cindylou: Do you think the homeowners KNOW he lives in the basement?

Katiefucious: Looks more like a tent. Too bad his tent pole is so short.

Anita Cocktail: A poor example of woodworking.

Dawn: This gives me NO confidence in any of his do it yourself "skills"

Lady Ass

2010-03-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

Maven: Bill's Pool Hall -- We bust yer balls!

Katiefucious: If he's trying to use his cock as a pool cue, I have some disappointing news for him...

Cindylou: And I thought that was a chalk stain.

Anita Cocktail: Those aren't the kind of balls that are supposed to go in the pocket.

Dawn: So, If I win, you'll put your clothes BACK on?

Maven: Most disturbing thing about this photo (among others) will be the tan lines on his feet.

Katiefucious: It's an arrow, pointing to...nothing?

Anita Cocktail: What poor schmuck had to take this pic? Not reminding ol' ass clencher to ditch the ankle socks must have been his revenge.

Cindylou: and such dirty socks

Dawn: Most disturbingly, I can almost see a Vajayay in that smooth ass crack.

Katiefucious: Is he trying to connect himself to the s-video port on the TV?

Cindylou: Too many knickknacks for a single guy

Anita Cocktail: If this photo didn't have the suburban family room backdrop I'd think it was taken during a strip search

Dawn: "Now where did I put my youth? Oh yes, it resides with the Jabba the Hut that I married and now have to look at her precious "collectibles" for the rest of my miserable, masturbating life"

Maven: Makes me think of the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Katiefucious: More like the Charles Manson Christmas Special...

Cindylou: The tree? Really? You can't be pornographic with a tree!

Dawn: No Ted Nugent, don't give that tree Cat Scratch Fever! And the nipple rub? I shake my head at you.

Maven: It's a good thing I blinked. Initially, IMHO, it looked like a lump of shit being given a reach-around.

Katiefucious: Somebody call PETC (People for the Ethical Treatment of Cocks)!!

Normandy: Dear sir, the balls are not part of the shaft. There's no need to pump them.

Cindylou: Who is holding the camera? I mean really...

Anita Cocktail: WTF?!? Is there a reason his leg is over his head?

Dawn: This is one dislocated hip that is going to be hella hard to explain away.

No one in these photos got laid.

2010-02-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

Maven: Nothing says "gangsta" more than big buckles and flower garlands in a shower stall.

Cindylou: And no towel on the rack, so how often do you wash your hands?

Katiefucious: He dries his hands by waving them in the air like he just doesn't care.

Dawn: HAHAHAHAH Katie, that was AWESOME.

Normandy: Lives with mother. Nice.

Cindylou: Air guitar. Too bad he is playing Muskrat Love

Katiefucious: Lost: one air guitar, complete with attached douchebag.

Dawn: No one in the history of man-kind has EVER looked fuckable while playing air guitar.

Maven: Ahhhh, fuggeddaboutit!

Cindylou: Is he falling backwards?

Katiefucious: Say hello to my little friend...

Dawn: No, speak up - Right here into this here microphone, Bada-Bing!

Maven: He's not hung like a mule; he's hung like a tube of Crest!

Cindylou: Minty Fresh!

Katiefucious: For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom and flatten as you go up.

Dawn: Hey, you can't fool me. I know that sperm doesn't make my teeth whiter.

Cindylou: Did you get those towels at Christmas Tree shop?

Katiefucious: Nothing says "I still live with mom" like snowman towels.

Normandy: Combine these Christmas towels with the stellar floral garland above, and I think we have a winner.

Dawn: I also know thats yer jerkin' hand, which accounts for that tiny smidge of a muscle bulge in that arm.

Argh, Matey

2010-02-16T20:14:00.000-08:00

Maven: A "Captain Hook" fetishist, perchance?

Cindylou: I hope this is a Halloween thing.

Katiefucious: Someone go get a crocodile and put this guy out of his misery.

Dawn: No, I won't call you Cap'n Jack and walk your plank.

Maven: I'm truly disappointed this person is not naked. The mind reels about naked ass and balls on a filthy bedspread at a cheesey no-tell-motel in and around the greater Orlando area.

Cindylou: There is a panda holding a toothbrush on the bedspread; I can't get past that.

Dawn: Actually Cindy, I think we are looking at a Disney All Star Sports bedspread. Which means this man has masturbated ON Mickey Mouse.

Katiefucious: What's on the nightstand? Cheez Whiz? Antifungal spray? I don't think I want to know.

Anita Cocktail: Attempt #4 to suck my own cock: FAIL.

Maven: Looks like the arm of a baby punching its way through the thatchy underbrush of the forest.

Cindylou: Some men get off in the strangest places
.
Katiefucious: Lots of wood in this photo. Hope he doesn't get a splinter
.
Normandy: I can't get past the tan line splitting his body in half.

Dawn: Thats quite the invisible bull he's a ridin.

Maven: And while you're at it? Wash those stinking balls!

Cindylou: THAT is the sink you moron!

Katiefucious: Steve's cock and the faucet have a staring contest.

Dawn: I wonder who blinks first, Katie...

Cindylou: Hospital issued shorts?

Katiefucious: I'd issue him a razor.

Anita Cocktail: Ed's wife tied him to the chair and started heating up the wax...

Dawn: In the words of my professional waxer, "We're gonna need the big bucket for this one"

Late Night Special

2010-02-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

Maven: WTF?

Cindylou: Maven it is the common house husband.

Katiefucious: Standing in front of your wife's good china doesn't exactly scream "sex machine."

Dawn: Fred thought he could disguise his hair loss by using his wife's fern...to no avail.

Maven: That's just damned feral looking.

Cindylou: He took the cushion off the chair and put it? where exactly?

Katiefucous: Obviously not an avid reader, this one, despite the books in the background.

Dawn: The angle of this man almost defies what we know about the laws of gravity...and I am not talking about the cock.

Cindylou: It isn't the size of your tool.

Katiefucious: What he didn't mention is that's the *metric* side of the tape measure. (email me if you don't get that one. I'll explain it to you)

Dawn: I like how it looks like he is going to walk his fingers "down the plank" as it were....

Sb: Double trouble! AND I get to meet your Momma. I kinda like that.

Cindylou: One of them is like 12.

Katiefucious: Two for the price of one!

Dawn: Oh, Boys. When you were done dry humping furniture, you had your mom iron your shirts so you could rub on some real ladies.

Sb: "What are you doing? Fred: "Just hanging out."

Cindylou: Do you suppose he used the weed whacker on himself?

Katiefucious: I cannot explain how surprised I am that there is not a can of beer in this photo somewhere...

Dawn: Betty often found Fred, sitting naked and confused, after sending out to do the yard work. What she didn't know was that the neighborhood "bears" had taken a real liking to her husbands sweet, sweet, ass.

Bears remain the number one threat

2010-01-25T12:47:00.001-08:00

SB: Artsy. A little TOO artsy.

Cindylou: He thought this is what was meant by the black box?

SW: Was this done in an eye examination room?

Dawn: "Help! I'm trapped in this small wall mirror!"

SB: He's a smooth operator...smooooth operator.

Cindylou: Nice shower curtain. Did your mom or your wife pick that out?

Dawn: I know he is trying to show off the old cock-n-balls, but I am transfixed by that floral pattern.

SB: Nothin' says waking up like hairlessness in your cup.

Cindylou: Seriously guys, if your stomach is even a tiny bit hairy how do you decide where to stop shaving?

Dawn: Stephen Colbert was right - Bears ( on cups) ARE America's Number one threat.

SB: I love a man with some weird undies and jeans half down. Right.

Cindylou: Those arent' undies, those are long johns

Dawn: There is FAR too much going on in this photo - TV, rug, multitude of chairs and the desperate dude in the middle.
SB: What he is trying to say is he is a fast reader.

Cindylou: He is obviously rustling the paper in agitation at the football scores.

Dawn: Taken just as the shark attacked the boat.

Bunker Livin'

2010-01-11T20:23:00.000-08:00

SB: Couch or liquor store? You decide.

Cindylou: those are some very white pants. Very white. What kind of detergent do you use?

SW: This guy has lots of yummy potential. But being surrounded by numerous alcohol bottles and wearing Miami Vice pants really scares me.

Dawn: Sadly, Pete could never wear white pants again without memories of the evening his frat buddies gave him the "special party" after which he awoke with their names tattooed around his anus.

SB: Nice use of camouflage.

Cindylou: Looks like a generator next to his bed, weird

Dawn: Single white man looks for lady who longs for bunker living. Must not be opposed to eating squirrel.

SW: Better straighten up before the squadron leader swings by with the white glove.

SB: Nice use of photoshop, dumbass.

SW: I'm sure this isn't an Alaskan Amber approved advertisement.

Cindylou: Isn't is supposed to stand up by itself?

Dawn: "Hey Ladies, I'm a premature ejaculator! Get it while it's up!"

SB: Brings new meaning to the phrase "Blue Balls."

Cindylou: He's got Go Go Gadget arms!!

SW: Ewww....why is it so gray? Is it dying? Does it have gangrene? Frostbite?

Dawn: I also feel as if his cock is wearing a Bert wig. Do they sell Pube toupees?

SB: Is that a transplant? The tissue doesn't match!

Cindylou: and he's got uniball, the male equivalent of the dreaded uniboob

Schnapps: Looks like it had a boob job. What would you call that in this case?

SW: Dude, learn to photoshop better. You left your chest hair blurry. And also, next time, pick a more flattering color for your cock. And one with a more defined head. And while you're at it, photoshop in another ball, or at least add separation to this set.

Dawn: And after he's done fucking you, he pulls it off to prop the window open!

Watching the Tide Roll away

2010-01-06T07:36:00.001-08:00

Marshall: Hairy man tits...Yeah! You go dude.

SB: If you like the hairy pasty look, this one is a keeper.

Dawn: Unless I was a blind newborn who confused these for the lactating variety, I can not see how this could be appealing.

Marshall: Looks like he's got a little Captain in him....

SB: It is so small that I want to talk to it in a high-pitched voice "Aren't you a CUUUUUTE diddow one!"

Cindylou: You put your right foot up and you shake it all about

Dawn: "I claim this Walmart Chair in the name of All Penis-dom"

Marshall: Hairy man tits II - the return. Does he have his belly button pierced or is that his wife's black pearl earring?

SB: I love a man who has a cheap terrycloth robe and isn't afraid to show it off.

Cindylou: I wonder what is embroidered on the bathrobe, looks like Tinkerbell

Dawn: Nah, C-Lou - It's a cross from his "Oh, Holy Daze" fundamentalist convention.

Marshall: This guy has been caught with his pants down...literally.

SB: Deserves a spanking, definitely, just for those boxers. And for taking a picture in his wife's living room.

Cindylou: Pull your pants up you are not a gansta

Dawn: Oddly, I found the bowl of balls most intriguing.

Marshall: Sitting on the couch all day...watching the Tide roll away...

SB: OMG Marshall. You are too good. Cannot compete.

Cindylou: I bow to Marshall

Dawn: I think he makes it roll away by shooting his jizz at the bottle.

Think you have the stomach for this?

2010-01-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

Always looking for new contributors...

Email Dawn at balefulregards@gmail.com

Today...on Animal Planet

2009-12-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

Cindylou: Does this photo need to be rotated? Or is it just me?

Doc: I can't stand a guy with thighs doughier than mine.
Dawn: And here we have the wildly overpopulated species Americanus Doucebaggus

Please help me pass legislation to have the hunting season extended in order to thin the herd. Their rampant breeding has hurt their species and they are starving to death.

Cindylou: Bobby's visual for his project on gravity, everything sinks towards earth
Doc: *singing* What shall we do with a flaccid penis - early in the morning?
Dawn: He DOES look as if he is doing some kind of Sea man's dance, doesn't he? HAHAHAHAHA - I said semen!

Cindylou: Married, no single guy has that many pillows on his bed

Doc: Bob doesn't understand why his wife doesn't think the phrase, "Babe, why don't you blow me while I watch the game?" counts as foreplay.
Dawn: He sleeps with his hands in his pants and that dildo in his ass, I just know it.

Cindylou: Vanilla or Chocolate?

Schnapps: How did he manage to get a tan line there?

Doc: Looks like it's writhing & struggling to escape.

Edwina: He needs to have his roots done.

Dawn: The two toned python is rarely seen during the day. The unusual camouflage shading allows it to attack it's main prey - Unsuspecting drunken women out on "girls night out" - without the use of additional force or illegal medications.

Cindylou: I find myself peering into the window reflection looking for the camera man

Doc: Wow...everything's so - Beige!

Dawn: The reason I was drawn to this picture? The neatly arranged free weights along the wall - none of them look like they are over 10 pounds.

Miro is not pleased

2009-12-07T07:12:00.001-08:00

SB: Woo Mr Artsy Dick! Let me hold your beret!

Schnapps: No, no, no. Cutting off your EAR is artistic.

Cindylou: I can still tell he took it next to his car. Weird.

SW: He's taking Flat Pecker for a ride and writing about it for his class.

Dawn: As a mother who had to carry around that Damn Flat Stanley for a week SW, That Really made me laugh.

SB: I have seen a lot of weird personals ad shit, but this is my first life-size giraffe.

Cindylou: (singing) I dont' want to grow up I'm a Toys R Us Kid

SW: A giraffe and a futon....this screams high class.

Dawn: I think he robbed F.A.O Schwartz.

SB: On the other hand, SpongeBob is NOT original to Desperately Seeking...We have been there and not done that.

Cindylou: And not for nothin'. . . a four year old picture?

Dawn: Wow, he even went for the Faux silk Spongebob. Be still my throbbing nether regions.

SB: Ooh I have always wanted me some of that hot hot carny lovin'

Cindylou: Oh my, this is your best? this is how you go looking for women? How's it working for you?

Dawn: "If I win you a cockeyed, poorly made, most likely lead infested stuffed animal, will ya blow me?"

SB: Is it the porn site you visit that make your schlong so long? Or is it photoshop?

Cindylou: It is not a talent to get erect while looking at porn.

Dawn: I like the color his mom chose for that room. Bold move.

Return of Sack Sac

2009-11-30T06:15:00.000-08:00

The Hip Housewife: His hand posture gives the suggestion that this was an accidental, public erection.

Dawn: Youth is really wasted on the young, isn't it? I mean, this guy can get it up on the way to Band, but wouldn't know what to do with a real live naked woman if she magically appeared. And the post coital discussion would be just painful.

Cindylou: The background confuses me. It appears to be industrial in nature. Follow the white line....

The Hip Housewife: Does your gramma know you did this in her foyer?

Dawn: Wow. The cross stitched kitty AND the pot of flowers you get for Christmas...Oh wait - Are you trapped in the mirror and calling for help?

Cindylou: Actually in the seconds after this picture was taken, a large frightening creature came out of the door behind him.

Sb: Oh wow, cowrie shells. That ancient African symbol of feminity. Is there something you want to tell me, Joshua?

Dawn: Cowrie shells and fleece hoodie....the Jon Gosselin school of seduction.

Cindylou: Cowrie shells and the cross. Odd juxtaposition, and dude, where is your shirt?

The Hip Housewife: Ah, take down the baby gates Daddy-man.

Dawn: Actually HH, I think this is a rabbit owner. I have similar configurations around my electronics. And nice Let it Be poster, fella.

Cindylou: No woman would let the curtains stay like that.

The Hip Housewife: Is he holding those in his hand after cutting them off?

Cindylou: If he only had a penis....

Dawn: Another candidate for the Sack Sac, the male testicle bra.

Jon Gosselin Meets Craigslist

2009-11-16T08:04:00.000-08:00

Cindylou: Nicely shaved, but oddly withered. Maybe you should not shave, like a man with no chin should have a beard.

Lisa: That is the skinniest pecker I've ever seen. Wonder if his ex girlfriends refer to him as "pencil dick"?

Edwina: The art of the 'drop shadow' for an enlarging effect.

Doc: Looks like he might hang weights on it to make it longer - too bad that doesn't help the girth at all.

Dawn: I admire a guy with so much confidence that he puts THIS out there for the world to see. But not so much that I would fuck him.

Cindylou: Look it's deflated, quick bring in the pump, maybe we can save it!!

Schnapps: And the point of this is...?

Lisa: If men had dogs that resemble their penises this guy would have one of those Chinese Shar Peis.

Edwina: It looks like its trying to escape.

Doc: It just looks so...soo...squishy - like a damp sock you just pulled from the washer.

Dawn: Once again proving that a man needs to woo a woman with something more than penal appearance - cause this looks like a loaf old french bread that has been rained on and pecked at by crows.

Cindylou: I hope that torchiere light does not set fire to the ?curtain? hanging there

Schnapps: Look! Its the Pillsbury Doughboy!

Lisa: Well Cindylou, if that torchiere does set fire to the room one thing's fer sure. We're gonna have ourselves a weenie roast!

Doc: Is he trying to show off that shadow of a 6-pack or the baby shit green walls?

Dawn: Good job getting the unicolor sectional sofa in the divorce Chuck.

Cindylou: Dorm room? and the prescription bottle in the background is not building any confidence in me.

Lisa: I think the bottle in the background is part of the ploy. He's appealing to girls who like the legal drugs.

Doc: So is he trying to say he'll put something in your drink then date rape your unconscious body while he sings "Today's Tom Sawyer?"

Dawn: RUSH??? A RUSH poster? I am confused. Plus now all I can think of his having this guy all sweaty and heaving on top of me and looking up at that poster. {Shudder}

Cindylou: NSM (naked single male) seeking woman with furniture and drapes

Schnapps: As he contemplated the view before him, he couldn't help but think: I really should have gotten some blinds for this; they can probably see me in that car down there.

Lisa: Ohhh. Headless, naked guy in pensive pose. That's ALWAYS a winner on Craigslist.

Doc: What Not To Wear: House Hunters Edition.

Dawn: "Is that my dignity down there?"

We can't believe its not butter

2009-11-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

Cindylou: Jeez if you are going to take this kind of photo, take your pants off already!!

Lisa: You've always got to wonder about these guys as lovers. If they are too lazy to take off their pants? When they're TRYING to make a good first impression? Methinks they are seriously lazy in many other departments.

SW: Please tell me he used the timer on his camera and didn't make some unfortunate person looking for a quick $10 take that pic....

Dawn: Yeah, I totally feel like he is sliding right off the chair. Must be all the butter in his ass.

Euro Boy: it is good that he supports it delicately by the base as his whole hand would surely have obscured the poor penis from view.

Cindylou: If my shower was that skanky I would wear shoes too

Schnapps: "Just a little to the left..."

SW: If my shower were that skanky, I wouldn't use it.

Dawn: Geesh, you'd think that running water would wash some of that shit out of the corner.

Euro Boy: Nice drop shadow effect.

Cindylou: And I thought the Chippendale Dancers were extinct

Lisa: I thought Chippendale Dancers had no tan lines

SW: I wonder if his mommy, whose house he's obviously in, is aware of his little hobby or potential future job if he remedies that tanline issue?

Dawn: Same sex marriage opposition is heightened when the "best man" tux line is revealed.

Euro Boy: I would love to know what music was playing in the background when this pic was taken. Mambo? Celine? German Hoompa? They would all make perfect sense.

Cindylou: Truly I never realized how many men have a purple penis, and it looks like he has swizzle stick in there

Lisa: Well now I guess I know where that term "choking the chicken" comes from!

SW: His signature pickup line: "Hi, my name is Harry Potter....wanna play with my wand?"

Dawn: Is that a drum in a corner?

Euro Boy: Dawn, If so what would be the message in cleverly encoding Drum Stick?

Cindylou: Fisheye Lens?

Lisa: This makes me think of Moby Dick.... "Come on girls, he's not a monster, he's just a whale. And we be whalin' women."

SW: This is from Chapter 7 in Perverts Big Book of Making One's Dick Seem Larger: Wear your son's tightie whities

Dawn: Do men think this is appealing? Is there a guide somewhere that men receive that says "You know what chicks dig? A bulge in some tight underwear!" Cause I am here to tell you it is not true.

Euro Boy: This reminds me of a cheesy ghost movie "The Frighteners"

A Variety of coverings

2009-10-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Is that you behind those Foster Grants?

Lisa: Remember when Marky Mark did all of those great billboards for Calvin Klein underwear? Yeah, this guy does SO NOT remind me of Marky Mark.

Marshall: It looks like his penis has been cut off and dropped into those drawers!

Dawn: Save that Gerbil!!!!

Schnapps: Safe sex or suffocation? You decide.

SW: This guy needs a whole body condom. That's alotta hair! Some poor unsuspecting woman may get covered in it!

Cindylou: Looks like it blew a bubble.

Marshall: Looks like he just bought it- still has the wrapper on it!

Dawn: SOOOO not digging the Starter Sport Sock directly below.

Lisa: That's one skinny pecker.

SW: I don't think this is the intended use for that little escape hatch in the underwear.

Cindylou: Really, why not take the underwear off?

Schnapps: Cindylou, isn't that what the little pocket is for?

Lisa: The reason he doesn't take it off is because he's worried his mom might come in at any minute to deliver the rest of his laundry to his room. He told her to use her walkie talkie first to let him know she was coming but unfortunately she sometimes forgets.

Marshall: The underwear is so you cant tell its a rubber dildo and not his real unit.

Dawn: Nah, I think the owner is asleep and the penis is using the walkie talkie to call for help.

Cindylou: That is the largest I have ever seen. Belly button that is...

Lisa: Ohhh. Nothing gets me all hot and bothered like a man with tan lines, little muscle tone and shag carpet all over his torso.

Marshall: The old "make my dick look bigger by wearing little girl's underpants trick"

Dawn: Jesus. Put your clothes back on and just start buying the cougars drinks buddy.

101 uses for a Mag Lite

2009-10-12T19:11:00.001-07:00

Cindylou: the light is mightier than the... Is that a pink towel on the floor by his feet?

SW: I have the persistent feeling this is a police officer, and he's using his work gear for comparison devices. I don't think his commanding officer knows.

Lisa: Shiney! (Both the schlong AND the flashlight.)

Marshall: Before you get too excited- it is a Mini Mag lite-sorry.

Dawn: He's seeking women without any electricity.

Cindylou: I don' think you are supposed to be naked in that room, and keep on like you are going and you are going to need a bra for those man boobs.

Lisa: I never see stuff like that at MY gym. Course that's why I like my gym so much.

Marshall: NOW you know what they always have the signs: Wipe off the machine after use!

Dawn: Apparently we know what happens in the gym "after hours" - the all nude work out sessions.
Cindylou: I see a seven!! Creepy

Lisa: When Cindy saw that "7", those boxes and that carpet, she had a flash back to last year's office Christmas party. Then she shuddered and realized Pete was still taking casual Friday's too casually.

Marshall: Frank didn't really understand the term "Coming out of the closet".

Dawn: It's one hard rub from a penal embolism.
SW: Lay off the steroids, dude. You've had enough when you have no dick left to fill out your underwear.

Cindylou: Seriously, dude wear shorts and we can imagine you have a package.

Lisa: Apparently even black underwear is "slimming"

Marshall: Hurry up and snap the damn picture- I'm cramping like a son-of-a-bitch!

Dawn: I can only see the amount of television and computer monitor. Nice one room at the Y, fella.

Cindylou: Yes that is your nipple, and your hip but for god's sake put down the remote!!

Lisa: I get a strong vibe that this guy likes to pinch his nipples then say to his dates, "Do I make you horny bay-bay?"

Marshall: Is it Click Click Pinch or Pinch Pinch Click..I can never remember. Finally all that pat your head, rub your stomach practice pays off!

Dawn: Can someone please tell me what about being alone convinces men to put on their fancy underwear and start taking pictures?

Sir David Attenborough Presents....

2009-10-07T18:00:00.001-07:00

Cindylou: I hope that isn't the good upholstery

Ash: Do they make a bra for the boys

Token Gay: Is he looking for chicks into teabagging?

Dawn: I feel like I am seeing some kind of bizarre spider's nest. Sir David Attenborough's voice should be coming on any second "And when the female Sac Spider has laid her eggs, she crawls away and dies."

Goddess of Madness: Do they over scrotal lifts?

Cindylou: Ummmm, is that the dresser?

Ash: Another one too lazy to take off his shorts.

Token Gay: Heavy boys don't take off the clothes, they're covering

Dawn: Its the angle thats fucking me all up here. Am I in the space shuttle, with zero gravity?

Goddess of Madness: I'm trying to figure out if that is a pattern on his shorts or little spunk stains

The Hip Housewife: Impressive, but the seersucker with the pilled flannel is a deal breaker for me.

Cindylou: at least he appears to be employed

Ash: That jumpsuit just makes me want to jump his bones!

Token Gay: Hi Honey, I'm home from cleaning environmental waste.... wanna have sex?

Dawn: He only totaled your car cause he really loves you.

Goddess of Madness: Crime Scene Clean up

The Hip Housewife: Independent acquisitions specialist working the graveyard shift seeks sex slave/lookout.

Cindylou: Damn i have those sheets, I will never be able to use them again

Ash: I can't put my finger on it, but it's just so wrong!

Token Gay: Oww.. that pokey thing would hurt? He could pick locks with that thing. I wonder if it would have looked longer if the lines were vertical?

Dawn: For some reason I am now thinking about those worms that crawl up to the surface when it has been raining...trying to escape their watery graves.....

Goddess of Madness: The horizontal stripes make you look... dude nothing can make you look better.

The Hip Housewife: Just think, he's going to put his face on that pillow later.

Schnapps: Now, if only it had a hat.

Cindylou: the nerve, a heart, a brain....We're off to see the wiz...

Ash: Schnapps, You could also use it to hang ties on........

Token Gay: I need a shelf to put my beer on

Dawn: Jerry liked to provide the small woodland animals with shelter, so he pitched them a tent. Literally.

Goddess of Madness: He's got sandwich meats in there

The Hip Housewife: Look Ma! No hands!

Why I never slept in dorm lofts

2009-09-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I don't get the plywood. Does he know someone is hiding there under the bench taking his picture?

SW: Was it too difficult to pull the boxers the rest of the way down?

Dawn: I feel we are seeing a massive failure of "dorm loft" technology here. I hope he has a money back guarantee.

Goddess of Madness: His camera phone slipped?

Cindylou: I wish my ass looked that good.

SW: I wish my husband's ass looked that good.

Dawn: I can not recall a moment IN MY LIFE when I got out of bed naked and then put on a shirt to go to the kitchen. I would worry that he had pee'd in my coffee pot or something.

Goddess of Madness: His cycling shorts tan line says it all.

Cindylou: I can't stop laughing

SW: Wrong....on sooooooo many levels!

Dawn: I oddly feel bad for this penis. Not bad enough to fuck him, but bad. Like I want to make him a cup of cocoa and be a life coach.

Goddess of Madness: He looks like he rubbed himself on dirty newspaper.

Cindylou: He must be drunk, he looks so fuzzy around the edges, even his art work looks fuzzy

SW: Is that a drunk Billy Zane?

Dawn: This is what he looks like after he has put the rufie in your drink.

Goddess of Madness: Fear and Loathing on Craigslist

Cindylou: But I don't have a zebra fetish

SW: I feel bad for that ugly K-Mart Special bedspread.

Dawn: Doesn't it hurt to lay on the penis this way? I mean, when I sleep on my stomach, I have to get my boobs in the right position to be comfy. Plus the head peeking out like that? Kind of makes me want to flick it.

Goddess Madness: Penis Yoga?

Homemade Glory Hole

2009-09-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: This makes me wonder, Is there someone for everyone? Ladies? Is anyone turned on by this? Gentlemen?

Lisa: It looks like it is sneaking a quick peek to the left. If men actually could see with their penises, that would make this explainable.

Marshall: The inside view of Justin Timberlakes' "Dick in a box".

Dawn: This is not what the administrative assistant wanted you to do with those "end of the year" filing boxes.

Cindylou: I am somewhat puzzled, does he even have a penis?

Lisa: Wayne really wanted a date but had no money or penis. So he decided to showcase what he COULD offer a woman -- a mattress, an old pillow and a lamp.

Marshall: Mike loved doing his Jeff Goldblum imitation by recreating the love scene from "The Fly".

Dawn: His pick up lines include "I got a party in my pants and you're the guest of honor", and "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

Cindylou: Jason here really needs a woman, to help him decorate.

Lisa: Jason also needs a woman to hit him upside the head with a clue.

Marshall: It looks like Napoleon Dynamite drew him a portrait - it took him 3 hours to shade his upper lip!

Dawn: It's true Marshall, I think his bed is covered in "Liger" fur.

Cindylou: Tanning lamp gone horribly wrong?

Lisa: Yeah, looks like he ran out of sunscreen halfway through applying to the penis.

Marshall: The newest Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor- Neapolitan Cock complete with Nuts!

Dawn: I feel like it is only halfway through molting and we have caught it at it's most vulnerable.

Cindylou: At least he can provide dinner

Lisa: I bet he makes alot of jokes when he shows off this photo... You know about getting a prime piece of bass.

Marshall: I bet he whips this picture out before dessert and tells his date- If it smells like fish-I eat it!

Dawn: (Holding head in hands) Oh, Marshall.

Bad Consipracy theorists

2009-09-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

Edwina: #244 of the things he's done that he prayed would never end up on the internet.

Maven: "Foreskins: It's what's for dinner."

Cindylou: This makes my neck hurt.

Dawn: "So I was just walking along in the woods when the next thing I Knew - BAM - I am on the ground, pants off and this picture is laying next to me. You know who is behind this? Obama."

Maven: Gotta love the stealthful use of the eraser in Paint to remove the telltale tatts!!

Cindylou: I wonder what kind of web surfing he does naked?

Dawn: I bet Obamas health care plan would allow for his on-demand tat removal...leading to wily nily tattoo getting across the land.

Edwina: Shit, I think I know this guy.

Maven: Nothin' says HOT quite like a self portrait in the laundry room.

Cindylou: It appears he separates his whites

Dawn: Why do I suspect he is a "birther"?

Dawn: I claim this couch on behalf of masturbaters everywhere!

Schnapps: What? The boys aren't allowed to tan?

Maven: His calves are nice, at least!
Cindylou: Is that a menu on the door?

Maven: Just like there's a disease called Peyronies, there should be an affliction on the books for cocks with no natural bend at all.

Cindylou: This picture is frightening, on so many levels.

Dawn: If you vote for a public option, a naked Dick Cheney will hide in your bathroom to get you!

Befuddled and bedazzled

2009-08-31T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sb: Let me reach you, my darling, with my patented Arm of Ex-Girlfriends

Dawn: Between the staring "woman-arm" and that pitiful show of chest hair, not to mention ye old Kid Rock Limp blonde hair, I don't even know where to begin.

Goddess of Madness: The use of peroxide on his hair is apparent, and the arm screams "I need a hit!"

Sb: And let me show you my Mighty Rubbermaid Cooler of Love

Maven: The black socks and Sterilite garbage can really "sell" the eroticism in this picture!

Dawn: I bet this place smells like piss and pine-sol

Goddess of Madness: He took all the trouble to trim but he couldn't take off his socks. DETAILS MAN!

Sb: I have heard of Granny Panties before. These are Grampy Panties.

Maven: Unless "Grampy" is a euphemism for "Depends," or perchance some magical Mormon underwear? He does get 10 "demure" points for his pose, tho.

Dawn: Really? Virgil here thinks this hot erotic photo of his unbuttoned jeans and "Manties" is going to get ANYONE so juiced up they are going to drop what they are doing to rush over and get them some of THAT? Cracker, Please.

Goddess of Madness: "Look I can get your whites whiter"

Sb: Has that belt been BeDazzled?

Maven: Sorry, it reminds me of George Costanza. No, strike that. I'm not sorry. I'm sick to my stomach.

Dawn: Justify his love.

Goddess of Madness: "You see, the belt helps delineate my waistline"

Sb: "Honey? Whatcha doing down there in the basement?" "Oh, nothing, Marge."

Dawn: Dear principals of the world, please tell me you are scanning the maintenance guys computer FREQUENTLY - cause now I am going to have to go stare laser beams at the ones who work in my kids school.

Maven: Are you working hard or hardly working? Uh... oh. I see you're just... HARD.

Goddess of Madness: Can I make you boil by the boiler?

Seduction Fail

2009-08-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

The Hip Housewife: Just what I've been looking for, a man who lives in his parents' garage. How much says he uses the cones as bongs?

Dawn: Here's my take on this one. The cones ( with empty upside down beer bottle) form his "boundry" for the futon that MUST be on the floor behind that chair. His name is "Jeremy", judging from the douche-tacular necklace, and I am going to guess he failed out of Dartmouth.

Cindylou: I am so glad to see the fire extinguisher for when the drunken smoke parties get out of hand.

The Hip Housewife: All I can see is the clashing drapes and upholstery. Oh, and the dildo he's holding on to.

Dawn: Is that really a Drape in the "official" sense of the word, or simply a shower curtain being re-purposed?

Cindylou: I like the way his dildo matches the bed posts

Maven: What is this? The penile equivalent of "Where's Waldo?"

The Hip Housewife: It's right here. It's looking at me.

Dawn: Um. I like the shower curtain?
Maven: Between the DOT traffic cones in picture #1 and the orange MTA safety vest in this picture... "Your tax dollars at work!"

The Hip Housewife: This just screams "community service" to me.

Dawn: The Bon Temps road crew is consistently up to no good.

Maven: I betcha it's a lotion bottle. "Jerkins Lotion."

The Hip Housewife. He totally sleeps on that couch.

Dawn: Nice "40 year old virgin" wood there, Peg leg Pete.

The last one wants to be your "descreet visitor"

2009-08-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: On the toilet seat but the door is open? c'mon you can do better than that

SW: Wow. I didn't know people still had that type carpeting in their house!

Dawn: "Whats that lassie penis and blue sock toe? Your wife is in the well?"

Schnapps: I have to agree, that's some pretty horrendous carpet. At least its not shag.

Goddess of Madness: "Having lost on 'So You Think You Can Dance" Joe turns to 'So You Think You Have a Big Dick'

Cindylou: Is that a VACUUM?

SW: Yes. He apparently needed it to get his Little Man even that perky.

Dawn: I don't know but he seems weirdly proud, doesn't he.

Goddess of Madness: Is his penis an attachment that goes with the vacuum as a set?

Cindylou: Oh my god it is Frankenpenis! NO really that is someone's thumb

SW: It's some guy sticking his tongue out! WTF?

Dawn: I was confused when I first saw this picture too - Its his tongue and he advertised that he wanted to do some "rug munchin". Which is why I have wood floors.

Schnapps: It reminds me of Gene Simmons.

Goddess of Madness: It makes me want to cross my legs and scream.

Cindylou: His mother told him if he kept pulling on it that it would freeze that way.

SW: It looks like some kind of Photoshop project gone wrong. Very wrong.

Dawn: The surgery to insert the fishing weights in his testicles proved successful.

Schnapps: [singing] Do your nuts hang low/do they bobble to and fro?

Goddess of Madness: His penis looks like an after thought pasted on later.

SW: Am I supposed to be impressed with this?

Dawn: I would have been MUCH more impressed with correct spelling. "Descreet"? Please.

Schnapps: I really want to know what's with all the pants pulled down "just so". Are they taking the photos in a Red Lobster bathroom or something?

Goddess of Madness: It's the desire for "dramatic" lighting don't you know.

Gone with the wind

2009-08-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

EuroBoy: Wow! This really is a puzzler, there is just so much going on! The odd manscaping - the unusual dickhead to rest-of-penis ratio, the droopy foreskin resembling the hair of a Playmobil figurine and the fact that you wonder if PhotoShop added that drop-shadow when he tried to enlarge it. None of it erotic we may add.

The Hip Housewife: Well, he's a natural redhead, don't see that everyday.

Dawn: The new "Ken" dolls aren't much better than the old ones.

Maven: Hypospadia anyone?

Goddess of Madness: He looks like he's got a Blow Pop shoved in there.

EuroBoy: We have heard of Sunday drivers - but what of Sunday speedo wearing divers? Again, Really?? This is meant to entice? On what planet?

The Hip Housewife: Did he really pick this photo or are his friends playing a really, really mean joke?

Maven: I love how the "farmer tan" shows off his flat ass. NOT!

Dawn: Is he wearing flesh leg warmers?

Goddess of Madness: The highlights are supposed to make his bum look more shapely?

EuroBoy: Both his manhood and the towel seem to have gone with the wind.

The Hip Housewife: Someone's been looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Maven: Two things: 1. Dolf Lundgren; 2. Foreskin. He looks great for an old guy.

Dawn: The Fiji water campaign is going in the wrong direction, in my opinion.

Goddess of Madness: Just airing things out artistically.

EuroBoy: Next to midget pitching - crushing baby Elephants by simply sitting on top of them is yet another puzzling Scottish pass time.

The Hip Housewife: Your Photoshop skills are underwhelming.

Maven: Is that a haggis under yer kilt or are ye just happy to see me?

Dawn: And you thought log tossing referred to real logs....

Goddess of Madness: Little known fact, Scotsman keep ant eaters under their kilt until they mature.

In The Air tonight

2009-07-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

Dawn: There are so many things about this photo. It appears he has a tat of a giant fly on his forearm, his closet is empty, that hat is befuddling and his can of Bud light just says "I have very little taste."

Goddess of Madness: Budlight means light on sperm

Edwina: The waist and legs say girl but the man hands and cock say otherwise...

Maven: I love how the massive thatch of pubic hair counter balances the cock. And I *DO* mean MASSIVE!!!

Dawn: All I can see is Phil Collins staring at me from the background. Su-Su-Sidio

Goddess of Madness: I'm sorry but it looks like he photoshopped it onto a twinkie torso

Edwina: Dude, you are too old...and too Floridian.

Maven: He really needs to use Brown Betty (or as I like to call it, "Just For Pubes") on that thing.

Dawn: The ancient tyranasaurus cockus stomps about and crushes the palm trees and giant ferns.

Goddess of Madness: I can't help but think his pubes are dusty with jock itch powder.

Edwina: It's Beaker from the muppets!!!!

Maven: This specimen would be at home, chill'axin' under a kilt.

Dawn: I feel like this is some kind of animal defense mechanism. The more it is abused, the larger the bush it grows to try to hide inside.

Goddess of Madness: And what is with the long hairs poking out just past the head?! Good Gods get some scissors.

Schnapps: He seems shy.

Maven: Given the way it appears as if he were launching himself out of the chair, and the fact he's covering up his cock... methinks he got caught "in the act."

Dawn: Simon was really hoping that his "Masturbation Pilates" routine would be his gateway to fame and fortune.

Goddess of Madness: I've seen this position before. He's dismounting from his chair mounted dildo.

Cognitive Dissonance

2009-07-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

Sb: They sell these cool things on Aisle 6. They are called 'trash bags'.

The Hip Housewife: Was there a mix up and this should actually be on CockroachesCraiglist?

Dawn: So your girlfriend took everything, eh?

Goddess of Madness: A tetanus shot with every sexual encounter, FREE!

Sb: I love a man whose cat matches his furniture. Is that a CARDIGAN?

The Hip Housewife: I can only imagine how much cat hair is captured in that sofa. Waiting to make a person sneeze.

Dawn: My favorite thing about this photo? He was advertising as being a very strict Dom.

Goddess of Madness: I will dominate your pussy!

Sb: Bob was in the process of selling his house and moving when he found the speed-o from his college swim team days.

Dawn: Bob is also such a dangerous felon that cops have installed the whole leg bracelet.

Sb: Dude. At a WEDDING? Srsly.

The Hip Housewife: At least someone is stopping to smell the roses.

Dawn: So is the rule that if you catch the bouquet and then rub your cock in it, you are next to get married? No?

Goddess of Madness: And this is why you shouldn't hand out disposable cameras at your wedding.

Sb: My title would be "Handless Ozzy Ozzbourne manifesting magical marshmallows."

Dawn: Faux rock metal cruxifications are Soooooo 1979.

The Hip Housewife: I'm sorry, I just don't believe you're Chriss Angel. A freak? Sure.

Goddess of Madness: I have this urge to set his hair on fire so he understands true suffering

A Less Successful Cannibal

2009-07-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Maven: Love the "get a load of this" stance. If you must point to it, it's nothing noteworthy.

The Hip Housewife: Oh I love these guys. They're so proud and their penises all are trying to leave the room.

Dawn: "And today on Sesame Street - How to find your penis!"

Goddess of Madness: Vana White and Barker's Beauties TAKE NOTE!

Maven: Love the tilework and stainless steel appliances! Oh, and the "come hither" body positioning.

The Hip Housewife: And a penis that knows how to turn on the dishwasher!

Dawn: That teapot would be better showcased on a small, but fancy, shelf. And oh, look. You seem to be naked.

Goddess of Madness: He looks like one of the old large size G.I. Joe dolls with the articulated waist.

Maven: Yeeeeee-owch!

Dawn: "No, thats not a herpes sore - its a cigarette burn."

The Hip Housewife: Did he do that on PURPOSE? Or is this the outtake?

Goddess of Madness: "Doesn't matter if you bite down I have a high pain threshold baby."

Maven: I wanna know who wrote the memo on how shaving makes your junk look bigger. There ARE exceptions to every rule. Gah.

The Hip Housewife: The Hip Husband has a hat like that. Wwwaaaiiiiiit a minute!

Dawn: I feel like the UPS guy is going to walk up to the door and get a terrible surprise.

Goddess of Madness: It looks detachable.

The Hip Housewife: Dude, when your picture looks like you are a serial killer standing before his bulletin board of victims.......

Dawn: Really? Have you not seen every horror movie ever made? You are broadcasting that
1. You are the quiet guy who works at the Chuck E Cheese party room
2. You "keep to yourself"
3. You plan on eating any woman who responds...and I don't mean in a "I give great oral" kind of way.

Don't dream it....Be it

2009-07-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sb: These boots were made for flashing. That's what they're gonna do.

The Hip Housewife: Looking for the Richard Gere to my Juila Roberts.

Dawn: He wants you to Come up to the lab and see whats on the slab.

Maven: I agree, it's got that Frankenfurter-meets-Pretty-Woman kinda vibe right there!

Goddess of Madness: That bitch stole my boots!

Sb: There is nothing, nothing hotter than a man who lives in his folks' basement. With old love notes from exes on the mirror.

The Hip Housewife: I shudder to think of how much crust is on those sheets.

Maven: Oh, if only I had a can of Luminol and a black light! The stories that basement could tell!

Dawn: Someone clearly slept through his "Marketing 101" class.

Sb: Great leaping lingams, Batman!Goddess of M
The Hip Housewife: What the hell is that?

Dawn: Its like one of those optical illusions pictures where you see an Old Woman....and then A Young Woman....And then the Old Woman again...

Maven: Suddenly I have that funny, salty metallic kinda pre-puke thing going on in my mouth.

Goddess of Madness: Are those sheets from Ikea?

Sb: Can you say "razor burn"? Yowch.

The Hip Housewife: Blood is a bodily fluid that should not come in contact with.... Oh you know the drill.

Dawn: Placing his balls in the panini maker wasn't nearly as erotic as Luigi had imagined.

Maven: Dang it! That thing looks like it's been slapped and chapped! NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!

Sb: And when you get tired of checking out my lava lamp collection, you can spank my pert ass.

The Hip Housewife: What music would I like to masturbate to today?

Dawn: Hipster music store employees seeking woman to mock about her inferior music knowledge and gauche musical tastes. And give me a blow job.

Maven: I bet when someone gives him a hand job, he demands they extend their pinkies.

Fads we hope won't catch on

2009-07-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

Sb: No, the phrase is "put a sock IN it."

Maven: ~~Sock puppet~~... "Cock Puppet!"

The Hip Housewife: Um, I don't think anyone is going to believe that you are in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Dawn: Renaldo's Idea for "Cock warmers" just never caught on the way he hoped.

Goddess of Madness: The eighties cock in it's cock warmer wanting to go Flashdance

Sb: Nothing makes him hornier than pine cones!

The Hip Housewife: Smokes, chips and salsa, Gatorade. Everything you need for a classy, romantic evening.

Dawn: Honestly. It does make one wonder what happened right before he whipped his cock out and started taking pictures. A bridge game?

Goddess of Madness: I need hot sex and a maid.

Sb: Excuse me, sir, but there is a fucking tapeworm coming out of your unit.

Maven: I suspect he's trying to emulate Britney Spears' tampon slip...

The Hip Housewife: I was about to ask if that was a tampon in there.

Dawn: The leather duster, flowered bed spread and hairy gut just burned my eyes. How about you dominate your credit card and buy some new shit?

Goddess of Madness: Han Solo hits hard times.

Sb: Nice manscaping except for the Ring Around the Johnson.

The Hip Housewife: Well, should anyone want to test drive this one at least they won't fall off.

Maven: Even "Spray and Wash" won't be able to get "Ring around the Johnson" out.

Dawn: "All houses now made with Billy's special level cock utensil. For the straightest flooring in the west!"

Goddess of Madness: He looks prepped for surgery

Sb: Word of advice: when you have giant thighs, it is bound to make the wang look tiny. Rethink this shot.

Maven: This isn't good for anyone.

The Hip Housewife: See? The penis is embarrassed and trying to flee.

Dawn: Even Andre the giant needs lovin'.

Goddess of Madness: Wee little winkie in a slinkie

Metaphors Gone Wild

2009-06-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

Sb: If you're going to show that much, it just makes me wonder why you're hiding the rest.

Sb: I'm glad to see our military...that's all. I'm just glad to see our military.

Schnapps: what's with his butt cheek squishing out sideways?

Maven: Don't ask, don't tell... where his cock is.

Dawn: He's thinking....about how to storm your beach. wink, wink

Sb: As I have said so often before "Schwing!"

Maven: This one puts the "Bone" in trombone!

Dawn: As a quilter, I HIGHLY object to your use of that quilt as a backdrop. Do you have any idea how hard those fucking triangles are to sew? Your peen offends my quilting view.

SB: WHAT is up with that tilty picture? Are you trying to distract me from the fact that you look like a total doofus?

Dawn: I was unaware that there was a pickup bar inside the Ripleys Believe it or Not museum.

Sb: I will admit that hairy guys don't do it for me. But this hairlessness has gone just a little too far...like un-human too far.

Maven: So many things wrong here... the computer chair? The boxes? And yet, it appears as if the cock is attempting to convey: "It went thattta way."

Dawn: If you don't give me a blowjob right now, I'm jumping. ( and other suicide threats of the horny and stupid)

Ten Hut!

2009-06-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

Maven: I'm disturbed by the presence of a wristwatch, as well as palming the basketball.

EuroBoy: Closeted jock wanting to come out.

Dawn: Audition tape for the Nude Basketball Olympics?

EuroBoy: Undercover tibetan monk trying hard to integrate

The Hip Housewife: Eminem meets the Dali Lama. Well, you do cover all the bases that way.

Dawn: That tapestry is two seconds from bursting into flames from that lamp. We ain't talking fire retardant fabrics here.

Maven: This one makes the eight pound baby Jesus cry.

Dawn: Eight pound six ounce baby Jesus. Shake and Bake, baby

EuroBoy: Gangsta for Jesus. You! Yeah you, want some of this? Huh. You want some of his praying for you?

The Hip Housewife: When your grandma finds out you've been in her room, she's going to be pissed.

Maven: I love the symetry of his balls. They are perfectly parallel! And the shaft? "Fill it to the rim with HIM!"

EuroBoy: Ten hut! This looks like a "Stripes" outtake to me...probably something in the back of the winnebago...

The Hip Housewife: I dunno. I like penises that are a little more....opaque.

Dawn: The leg of what ever he is sitting on looks perilously close to cracking. Its all fun and games until someone is impaled by their photo props.

Maven: I can smell the stale weed, rancid beer and body odor now.

EuroBoy: You just can't even Febreze that...

The Hip Housewife: Interior design by Little Edie Beale.

Dawn: Wow. I think my vagina just tried to crawl up into me and disappear.

Subliminal Messages

2009-06-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

Maven: From the looks of the purple-ish end, I suspect he also jammed his schlong INTO the can he's using as a unit of measurement for his...er... uh... "unit."

EuroBoy: Like we haven't seen this before. Why not branch out? Slowly at first - with say, a can of Sprite and work your way up to a Dr. Pepper. Come on! Dare to be different!

The Hip Housewife: Why don't any of these guys drink Snapple? I'd get turned on by a Snapple bottle comparison.

Dawn: Sum total of sexual experience with a real live lady = One.

Maven: Are those teddy bears or skulls and crossbones (the pattern on the thigh highs)?

EuroBoy: He Can Can Can

The Hip Housewife: For some reason the words 'I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard.' are coming to mind.

Dawn: I don't fuck men with prettier legs than mine.

EuroBoy: Your idea of foreplay is to toss ye olde pig skin around?

The Hip Housewife: At least he irons.

Dawn: It isn't even a real football. Its a plush toy. Which makes it that much more puzzling.

Maven: And this still life I shall title: "Droopy scrote on futon."

EuroBoy: The full title perhaps ought to be Droopy scrote on futon with flat feet and flanking bum tattoos?

The Hip Housewife: Or, See Potential Lovers Run

Dawn:

EuroBoy: I think you are mistaken, angels WILL fear to tread here...

The Hip Housewife: My daughter is the girliest girl there ever was and that pink would even make her say "My eyes hurt."

Dawn: Don't look now, but there is a fairy on your shoulder...

When gravity calls

2009-06-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

Maven: ~~Can I see that thong... that thong tha thong thong thong~~. Um? No thanks.

EuroBoy: Yes doubling up is not always a good idea - the same goes for sport bras.

Dawn: That, sir, is NOT your best lighting choice.

The Hip Housewife: Let's see, lighter in one hand, porn on the telly, wearing two pairs of panties. When 420 time gets away from you.

Dawn: Oh my god, the paint fumes! They ate away his clothes!

Maven: I bet he fries bacon naked, too.

EuroBoy: For you dear? Anything.

The Hip Housewife: Showing us that he's sexual but handy at the same time! Clever.

EuroBoy: He thinks you got a purdy mouth..

The Hip Housewife: Wow, Billy Bob's gotten desperate.

Dawn: Bad Santa on Easter.

EuroBoy: Is that is the laziest cock ever? Is gravity uncannily strong where you live? Truly, you need to support your poor beast with an entire roll? And it was the best shot three year's running?

The Hip Housewife: Does he sweat THAT much?

Dawn: There have got to be better ways to keep your balls dry.
Maven: How novel. A kickstand.

EuroBoy: I miss the PhotoShop drop shadow.

The Hip Housewife: Nice floors.

Dawn: An awkward moment in Naked Yoga, for sure.

Swamp thingy!

2009-06-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

Sb: When he says he loves his dog, he means he really loves his dog.

EuroBoy: How does a man with that little hair use that much shampoo? Fleas?

Dawn: The dog is clearly telegraphing "Call the SPCA stat"

Sb: Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, over the land of the free and the peen of the lame?

EuroBoy: I guess the flag is the only thing he raises...

Maven: There are provisions in the U.S. Flag Code which prohibit such use.

Dawn: Wow. Newt Gingrich will go to any length to get a blow job.

Sb: He dwells in the forest, under a large rock, where the sun never shines.

EuroBoy: Swamp thingy?

Dawn: In the mythical forest, where ejaculate grows into men.

SB: I'd love to blow you, but I just can't with all those characters watching.

EuroBoy: Johnson felt sad and left out as he had no tattoo.

Maven: When I see guys having manscaped to this point, I always suspect they're cancer patients. Between that and the forlorn position of the cock... I don't know what makes me feel worse.

Dawn: Is the tat on the left a freakin Klansman?

Sb: I'd love to blow you, but I just can't while I am thinking about you getting shit stains on your gramma's best dining room chair.

EuroBoy: He placed it carefully on the chair, not breaking the pattern.

Maven: Given the amount of scrotal droop, I suspect he's 45... 44... 45... yes, 45 years old (give or take 2 months).

Dawn: You've heard of Flat Stanley, now meet Droopy Peter.

When in doubt

2009-06-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

The Hip Housewife: Is he trying to show us that he knows how to wipe?

Maven: I just don't get the action shot!

EuroBoy: The three legged man is trying to run away.

Dawn: Judging from this angle and position of the fridge, I think he is somehow hanging off the table...And IS the fridge door open?

The Hip Housewife: Dude, here's a tip. Buy one size up from what you think you need.

Maven: I'm not "into thongs," however, I do believe they should be disposable. Gah. Laundry day! Gah!

EuroBoy: This attire may be more appreciated at the Blue Oyster Bar.

Dawn: Desk job - I can tell the way the hair has been worn off his ass cheeks...

The Hip Housewife: Words are failing me.

EuroBoy: He really thinks so!

Dawn: When in doubt, do the robot.

The Hip Housewife: Oh dear god, it's a prehensile penis! I wonder if he can write with that thing too.

Maven: Speaking of Prehensile...

EuroBoy: Perhaps there is something better behind those two doors? I'll pick #2.

Dawn: Tyrone hoped that forcing his penis to read music everyday might get him a scholarship to Julliard.

The Hip Housewife: Because nothin' says "I'm a winner" more than a marijuana leaf tattooed on your body!

EuroBoy: The clock is to underline the greyness of your beard?

Dawn: Hickory dickory dock, I want you to be sucking my cock - BAM!

A special Can-Can dancer

2009-05-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

Sb: And now -- The Royal Cock!

EuroBoy: Purple Rain is in the forecast.

Maven: The thing looks ANGRY, like it had been slammed in a car door... one too many times.

Dawn: I don't recall THIS scene in Moulin Rouge

Sb: Call me old fashioned, but while I don't mind looking at your cock before I meet you, I'd rather save the asscrack for the second date.

EuroBoy: What are you doing with that leg? Holding the bookcase up? Opening the window? Goose stepping?

Maven: What is he pointing to on his unit?

Dawn: This one hopes to be a Can-Can dancer some day

Sb: This is one case where a cute cartoon character does NOT make me feel like smiling.

EuroBoy: Did this come from Gary Glitter's hard drive?

Maven: It's disturbing, this should be named: "Still life: cock with frog prince area rug."

Dawn: Once that frog gets it in the eye, he won't be so happy.

SB: Hm...feeling horny?

EuroBoy: He's smiling because he won the bet, Dan - his best friend and neighbour - has got the other end, Rudolph's ass on his wall.

Dawn: Clearly single. No woman would allow this hot decorating mess.

Sb: Why do I have a feeling that cheating on your very religious wife gives you quite a thrill?

EuroBoy: Listed turn ons: reciting Latin and holy shower.

Maven: Gah!

Dawn: The funeral home cross thief is caught red handed.

A new gambling sport

2009-05-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Sb: My long-lost cousin Cooter!

EuroBoy: Hannibal's early years.

Maven: Single-wides make me hot.

Dawn: What does this picture say to me? It says "I will ruin your credit", that's what it says.

Sb: How many times do I have to tell you to keep your ass off my dining table?

Schnapps: Here's a hint: TAKE THE UNDERWEAR COMPLETELY OFF. Or at least make sure its not in the picture.

EuroBoy: That table he is leaning on does not look sturdy.

Dawn: Once he falls off the table, that plant will reach down and absorb his essence, marking this day as the one that "Plant Boy" was formed.

Sb: Does someone have a boo boo on their wee wee pee pee?

Schnapps: Is that the water spout the eensy-weensy spider went up?

EuroBoy: The republicans use this picture to turn people off sex all together- I am ready to sign my pledge card now..

Dawn: The mohel turned Gentile when they presented him THIS fella to circumcise.

Sb: The Pillsb*ry Doughboy on vacation.

Schnapps: I am so not poking that doughboy. Or allowing him to poke me.

EuroBoy: Pic taken by his roomy, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Maven: Somebody notify Wikipedia about this "stub."

Dawn: This is why I never look out of hotel room windows. These guys are just a-waitin for anybody to catch a glimpse.

Sb: Like a turkey, it has a wattle!

EuroBoy: Sagging sack competitions are swiftly replacing cock fighting in the gambling cicuit...

Dawn: Sigh - If only Michael Vicks and his crew had known about THESE instead of using the dogs...

Maven: You can't spell "Ballast" without BALL.

Lonesome rider

2009-05-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Sb: Oh, honey, whatcha hiding?

EuroBoy: Destined to be a lonesome rider.

Maven: I wonder if he extends his pinky (left hand) when he's jerkin' the gerkin.

Dawn: But the Gap Hat? I just don't understand it. If you are going for a Look - GO for the damn look. This makes me think you leave lots of jobs half done

The Hip Housewife: Yeah, I don't want to see that either.

Sb: My friend Jim would call this guy a "hair farmer."

EuroBoy: It has indeed been a while since Rutger Hauer had a good, and well paying, part.

Dawn: So THIS is what the retirement home for 1980's hair band members looks like. Air Guitar at 1 p.m., everyone, Air Guitar!

The Hip Housewife: Now, if Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was still in production I would marry this guy and then nominate him for a makeover because I want Carson to be my BFF.

Sb: 10 points for creative use of plastic bins.

Maven: I concur.

EuroBoy: Hard to take you seriously with your model train set in the background..

Dawn: I think that rug is covering the opening to his "lair"

The Hip Housewife: Nice tiles though. Think he helped his dad with the floor?

Sb: This is a classic yoga pose called "The Hanger"

Maven: Or as I like to call it, "Cockanasana."

EuroBoy: Forest Lump, the not-so-famous cousin.

Dawn: The feral husband, in his natural habitat.

The Hip Housewife: Was this taken close to where he buries the bodies?

Sb: He looks like he is about to break out with his mad cheerleading skillz. "All right! Ok! A Little Cock Today?"

EuroBoy: Look closely at number three again, is this the streaker that snatched your handbag? Take your time..

Maven: See, and I see a bit of George Reeve's (1930s) Superman in this pose.

Dawn: "You - evil doer - come suck my cock!"

The Hip Housewife: Oh, but he's so PROUD. It's kinda cute. Oh, shoot! Quick! Punch me! Punch me in the mouth!

Good Boys and Bad Boys

2009-05-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: This man appears to be trying to tame his penis.

Edwina: Strike a pose!

Dawn: What those "Improve your urine flow" commercials Don't tell you - You'll have the stream of a hydraulic fire hose and be forced to wrestle the damn thing every time you want to take a leak.

Maven: I'm just depressed looking at this! Srsly. Talk about a drab dick pic.

EuroBoy: Penis talent shows are all the rage these days.

Cindylou: Guys, not a good pose, and the jazz hands don't help.

Edwina: Its like a little penis halo...or maybe it just has a bright idea.

Dawn: Karl tells his penis he is taking it out to see the sunrise - but it is only the lamp. Tricky, Tricky Karl.

Maven: However, he does get points for not having a wedding ring on.

EuroBoy: Oh my God - it is one of those Da Vinci type riddles! I get It... Fan, Light, Taste It. Hmm... Trip the light fantastic! So he is into slow dancing..?

Cindylou: What could possibly be in the apothecary jar?

Dawn: His Pride? Dignity? The possibility of ever getting a blow job again?

EuroBoy: One cock in your hand is better than two in the jar?

Cindylou: Three products in the shower, and a purple shower curtain, hmmmm

Edwina: ...and purple towels...and a great sense of balance.

Dawn: "Are you going to mess up my towel rack again Glen? Because you will sit there in that position until you learn that you can not use my good towels for your dirty dirty touching sessions!"

EuroBoy: Cabana boy training camp, day two: Bathrooms and fruity coloured towels! - A scene from Europe's newest and hottest reality show, pitting amateur wannabe cabanas against each other.

Cindylou: Luckily Det. Frank was able to handcuff the perp without much of a fight

Dawn: One of the many now unfunded abstinence programs.

Maven: I certainly hope he read his cock its Miranda rights...

EuroBoy: Slave to love.

More Unfortunate Photos

2009-05-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I get the feeling he is passed out

Katiefucious: I hope so. Who would be proud of a photo like that?

Dawn: His belly is frowning.

EuroBoy: Wow Sir, I am sure no woman has ever seen Hanes white undies before.

Cindylou: Twins? When are you due?

Mari: I am glad that he didn't take it all off.

Katiefucious: Well at least his dog approves...

Edwina: CHEESE! On so many levels.

Dawn: I applaud your willingness to gestate the alien.

EuroBoy: The demon Belial in his human form, notice the hell hound.

Maven: News flash "Barrell Belly": Hard body = RIGID, *NOT* TURGID.

Cindylou: If one were going to jerk off on the toilet don't you think one would close the door?

Maven: (Yet another case of Peyronie's) I do believe he's smuggling an effing YETI in his scrote and it's trying to escape.

Katiefucious: Ugh. The toilet seat below is just so...so...UGH.

Edwina: I've never seen a broken one before.

Dawn: If his cum can hit the edge of the carpet, he wins one of those carny Rock mirrors

EuroBoy: Ivan loves to pretend it is a periscope - jerking red october.

Cindylou: His junk is so big it won't even fit in the photo, I am so impressed

Katiefucious: It looks like the photo is upside-down.

Edwina: Penis Cubism

Dawn: And then Beeltejuice grabbed the sand worm and rode away!

EuroBoy: Is the white string attached to a safety pin? To deflate?

Cindylou: It looks like a peach pit.

Mari: It DOES look like a peach pit.

Maven: He looks like he could really use some Neuticles.

Katiefucious: Peach pit!!! Haaahahahahahaaaa!!!!!

Edwina: When I first saw it I was thinking raisin but peach pit is so much more accurate!

Dawn: Having the fan blow directly AT your ball sack does not make for a good photo

EuroBoy: Gunther regrets using the dead sea clay mask on his "Liebeskugeln"

Sponsor this manchild

2009-05-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

Katiefucious: It looks like his bed is under an overpass...

Cindylou: Jack here is a fan of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Notice he has his towel!

Dawn: With just one blow job a day, you can make a difference in this mans life.....

EuroBoy: He will write letters and show his progress, and you're not just helping him but his entire village..

Katiefucious: If this was the best picture you had to offer, I'd hate to see the rejects...

Cindylou: It reminds me of the super tiny Sharpie markers, just like the big ones, but tiny!

Edwina: We Want You!

Dawn: The arms say No - but the penis says Yes. Is this a Closeted Republican?

EuroBoy: When Ken forgot his laser pointer for his lecture, he came up with an unusual solution..

Maven: This is just unfortunate.

Katiefucious: I would make a "limp cock" joke, but those look like grouse, and I can't think of any penal comparisons.

Dawn: Yeah - but he is in a parking lot. Did he hunt them from a petting zoo?

Edwina: And there...after all of this time, the man of my dreams!

EuroBoy: Run! It is a Poultry Geist.

Cindylou: It is like that trick where grandpa makes it look like he pulled his thumb off!

Maven: No no... "I gotcher nose!"

Edwina: The legs just don't match the torso.

Maven: I thought something was odd about the legs too; thought they were a big big or out of perspective with the rest of the body.

Dawn: I think I followed this guy in traffic today - He was in his too waxed Honda, with the optional runroof open on his balding head and "Mama, I'm Comin' Home" blaring from his mediocre sound system.

EuroBoy: Memental, the bad porn remake of Memento - all he remembers is how to play with his member...

Cindylou: I can't speak, for this guy a little hair might help

Katiefucious: It is very artistic, like Michelangelo's David (same penis size, too! )

Maven: I was thinking "artistic," too; though nothing specific came to mind except regret. Now I need to douche out my eye sockets with bleach.

Dawn: All this picture says to me is "I'm a narcoleptic and plan on passing out right as you get close to orgasm"

EuroBoy: And this is when you realise, you should have chosen what was behind door number two.

And for my next trick!

2009-05-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I actually like asses, but the tell tale I just pulled my underwear down waistband blows it for me.

Katiefucious: I like asses, but not if they're extremely hairy.

Dawn: I feel like we just caught him dancing to "Old Time Rock and Roll" as his pants fell off....at work.

The Hip Housewife: Is he looking for someone to check for dingleberries?

EuroBoy: What disturbs me is that this is clearly an office environment - one can only hope it is a home office.

Maven: All I want to know is what is that fleshy lump? The frank or one of the beans?

Cindylou: Is that you behind those Foster Grants?

Katiefucious: Please tell me you're not going to put those things back on your face...

Dawn: Oh My. Really? Is your other trick "Pull my finger"?

The Hip Housewife: Either his arm is really long or his torso is really short. Either way I'm not touching it.

EuroBoy: My dick's future is so bright...

Maven: Yanno, I'm sure there's a highly localized fetish niche for just this sorta thing.

Cindylou: Once again Gramps fell asleep naked in front of the fire. Nana is going to be mad

Katiefucious: Especially since he used Nana's camera...

Dawn: Well, this is one sure way to keep the grandkids off your lap.

The Hip Housewife: If it's cold enough for a fire why are you......... Never mind.

EuroBoy: That doesn't even look like a comfy chair. Cabin fever?

Maven: What is that thing? A tumor? There's no discernable phallus there, just a blob of flesh I can only deduce is the scrote.

Cindylou: Sometimes when I scroll through these pictures I get the weirdest images, like he is shitting blue shit.

Katiefucious: Ha! If you scroll down fast, it does look like that!

Dawn: He comes with the optional ass attached blue dildo

The Hip Housewife: His penis is so embarrassed to be featured in this photo it's reaching for the door, hoping to flee.

Maven: See, and I thought his cock was performing a highly specialized "trick" pointing to the other knob in the room...

EuroBoy: Robby here, is in fact a new kind of streaker, he simply runs through your house taking pictures.

Cindylou: He looks so proud, must be mom lets him walk the dog around the block by himself

Katiefucious: At least there's no penis in this photo. If there was penis, I would feel sorry for the pooch...

Maven: Unless of course, the penis in question would be the dog's... and bigger than the human.

Dawn: Wait, I'm getting a message from the dog.... Whats that? Oh. Apparently he doesn't use lube.

The Hip Housewife: Throw pillow = lives with mom.

EuroBoy: Matching throw pillow.

Son of Liberace

2009-05-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Sometimes I feel like I am falling.

Katiefucious: So he's selling a mirrored dresser on Craigslist?

Dawn: Nice belt on the dresser. I don't know you well enough to jump into THAT kind of play...and Is it me, or does your mirror show some kind of drywall background?

EuroBoy: It looks like this was taken on a sinking ship - possibly a metaphor?

Maven: All I can think of is that a fun house mirror would render a more flattering picture...

Cindylou: He has lizards ladies, LIZARDS!

Katiefucious: Just don't say yes when he asks if you want to see his trouser snake.

Edwina: Lizards and some kind of Lego castle in the background...this screams "lives in parents basement."

Maven: Nothing ~~sexier~~ er... uh... more desperate than the smells of lizard feces intermingling with laundry detergent and musty carpet... GAH!!

Dawn: How much you wanna bet there is a whole hydroponic grow operation over there to the right?

Maven: That would be the only redeeming thing about this particular set up...

EuroBoy: The real life leisure suit Larry.

Cindylou: the poor wizened balls, what causes that?

Katiefucious: So straight, looks like a popsicle. If there were sweat-and-ass-flavored popsicles...

Dawn: The strange case of Benjamin Buttons Ballsack.

EuroBoy: Right you are, not enough is done for the poor sufferers of bi-directional temporal growth in opposite directions. Although it is a very real problem and its prevalence almost equates erectile dysfunction in recent surveys.

Maven: Am I the only one who noticed the horizontal mark on the shween in question? Perhaps alluding to the use of a cock ring... perhaps he's a Penis Pump Chump? Just a thought!

Cindylou: Not attractive. Not at all attractive

Katiefucious: Photoshop is not your friend.

Dawn: Look Here Llama tongue, you can just put that right back where you found it. And that creepy Grace Jones inspired poster is freakin me out.

EuroBoy: Gene Simmons will sue you.

Maven: I've got absolutely "nuthin'" for this one.

Cindylou: Apparently he does not have roof. And it is snowing inside his house.

Katiefucious: He also obviously has no mirrors...that hair is awful, not to mention the soul patch.

Dawn: Its not easy being Liberace's Straight Son.

Maven: I believe the jury is still out on exactly how straight!

EuroBoy: One can only hope he is a magician and is about to make it all go away..

Mythical creatures

2009-04-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Dogs playing poker. Interesting choice of antique.

Katiefucious: Eat something, PLEASE.

Dawn: Its the mythical dogs playing poker rug....I didn't believe they actually existed.

EuroBoy: Stop feeding the plant at work Seymour!

Maven: Possible neo-nazi skin-head. Possible.

Cindylou: Caught naked, Jerry covered his nipples so no one would see

Katiefucious: It always amazes that men are so proud of something so small...

Dawn: Velociraptor impressions do not turn me on.

EuroBoy: Perhaps he is a beginner wannabe surfer?

Maven: Too bad this is a solo picture; it's got all the earmarks of those arrow tee shirts, "I'm with stupid."

Cindylou: Possibly single, no woman would put stars with plaid

Mari: OMG I have that same bed - I used to really like it.

Katiefucious: Very artistic shot. Subject material could be better...

Dawn: "The door - Its over there - Run!", says the penis.

EuroBoy: Holy pattern clash.

Cindylou: Thank god he took his glasses off.

Mari: Perhaps if I took my glasses off this would look better...

Maven: "Perhaps!"

Katiefucious: All I can think of is my high school history teacher--he even has papers to grade next to his glasses!! Aaaaaugh!!!!!

Dawn: Sashay Shante!

EuroBoy: Dude does not believe in sunscreen - he looks medium fried

Cindylou: Who do we think took the picture? Glass covered cake dish, mom's house?

Maven: Grandma's.

Mari: I can't pry my eyes off of the gleaming white ass. Must Look Away.

Katiefucious: Crouching Tiger, Peeking Penis

Maven: Or "Couching Tiger, Droopy Ballsack."

Dawn: What kind of cake is that? I might come over if it is a good cake - Otherwise, that hideous couch repels me.

EuroBoy: Mari, isn't it odd though that the legs are white too? No shorts?

The shadow knows

2009-04-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I am not sure what is more disturbing the tan line or the socks.

Maven: Doesn't look current, does it? Looks like a photo that's been sitting around a while. Stale... like his balls surely are.

Katiefucious: ...and that plaid upholstery...and his socks...

Dawn: and if it IS an old picture, why keep this?

EuroBoy: As the vacuum broke years ago - Jerry knows to keep on his socks whilst posing on the carpet.

Cindylou: Two heads are better than one!

Maven: The white one seems to be "nuzzling" the darker one.

Katiefucious: The shadow is weirding me out...

Dawn: Penis shadow puppetry class is never well attended.

EuroBoy: Ah, the boulevard of broken creams - his shadow's the only one that walks beside him..

Cindylou: Call a damn doctor, dude, that it is not normal!

Mari: OUCH!

Maven: Um? Peyronie's ain't a mountain range in France, yo!

Katiefucious: I'm with Mari...ouch...

Dawn: The last team through the Amazon left a unique pointer towards base camp, didn't they?

EuroBoy: This snake is about to bite.

Cindylou: What are the scissors for? To imply that you might get caught in the powerade bottle?

Mari: I am more interested in the dime...

Maven: It never ceases to picque my curiosity the "units of measurement" or referencing points guys will use to prove how big their dicks are. This one? Sure, it is impressive in length; however, it's about as appealing as an uncooked Ball Park frank/hotdog. Just keep it in your pants, yanno?

Katiefucious: Now I'm trying to imagine it with ketchup and mustard on it...

Dawn: Yes - this picture has a story yet to be told. One that involves really bad decisions.

EuroBoy: Do the scissors perhaps indicate some last minute grooming?

Cindylou: Baby face, you've got the cutest little babyface.

Dawn: Hi penis likes to dance to the soundtrack of the latest cirque de soleil show.

Maven: "And THIS little piggy? It went weeee weee weee weee all the way home."

Katiefucious: That's why he has to hold it...because it's trying to run away.

EuroBoy: Not sure if I would be advertising this "Allegro: Fast, lively; also cheerfully, joyfully." If it is going to be that fast the joyful part is surely only yours Sir.

Your college days

2009-04-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: OOOOOOH nice tap. I am so impressed that you know how to pour a beer.

Katiefucious: Now learn how to hang curtains.

Dawn: How rusted is that wok hanging on the wall? Not to mention the dangerous looking toaster oven behind him. Ladies, this guy is planning on living JUST like this the rest of his life, so when you ask him about the color of the walls in the living room, or if the chaise lounge looks better in that corner and he glazes over? He's going right back to this place in his mind.

EuroBoy: Likely not a man of wealth and taste.

Cindylou: Nature boy. And look he brought his pillow!

Katiefucious: I thought bears hibernated in the winter...

Dawn: I feel like the ocean rejected him, throwing him up on this lawn on his deflated life raft.

EuroBoy: Taken minutes before Roy was confronted by 22 soccer players...

Cindylou: Dawn, I hate it when you pick ones I think I know.

Maven: The hottest thing in that picture is the white-hot t.v. screen, with the John Belushi poster running a close second.

Katiefucious: Is there toilet paper on the shelf behind him???

Dawn: How college guys EVER get laid is beyond me. Oh wait, I remember. Tequila.

EuroBoy: The most intriguing thing here is guessing what the number on his shirt could be.

Cindylou: Lazy. You didn't even unbutton your jeans.

Maven: "Some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress, but the balls held for pleasure are the ones that I like best." He looks like he ejaculates "for distance."

Katiefucious: Tell me I'm not the only one who feels the urge to zip up his jeans right now...

Dawn: Now owning a set of ye olde cock-n-balls, I just wonder what this would feel like? I can only think that if I popped one of the girls out of the D cup and just had it ahangin' out , it would not be pleasurable at all.

EuroBoy: As the shirt says Amsterdam - both the laziness and lack of care for the nutsack oxygen deprivation are likely easily explained.

Cindylou: Pictures of his victims?

Maven: Futons make me hot. Especially saggy ones.

Mari: Didn't your mother teach you to keep your shoes off the furniture?

Dawn: Those are the postcards from all his ex-girlfriends - Thanking him for NOT being there.

EuroBoy: Postcards to the edge.

In Bad Taste

2009-04-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Bonus points for creative use of a sunglasses cord

Katiefucious: Maybe the blue brings out his eyes...

Dawn: Or maybe he is a bit too literal when he reads about having "blue balls"...

EuroBoy: I can hear INXS in the background.

Cindylou: Are you an amputee?

Katiefucious: This photo is gross in so many ways...dirty clothes on the floor, crusty penis, obvious giant gut...bleh.

Dawn: Behold! Human Slug Porno!

EuroBoy: Redefines "minimum effort put into photograph for CL".

Maven: I cannot even fathom the angle at which this photo was snapped.

TokenGay: See definition of "Dickdo"

Cindylou: Is your mouth open because you hope to lick your balls like a dog does?

Katiefucious: It looks like he fell right when the picture was taken...

Dawn: Crazy Eddie really wants you to buy this bedroom set. In fact, he won't stop masturbating until you "cum" on down and SAVE!!!! And then he'll still masturbate in front of you.

EuroBoy: Dawn made me snort my coffee. Perhaps Eddie should team up with the masturbating Bolshevik we had earlier?

Maven: I'm envisioning him just grunting at this point.

TokenGay: It's so funny when someone with a decent body fucks up the pic with the porn mouth! Were you about to cum or what?

Cindylou: "And I have mad photoshop skillz"

Mari: Excuse me sir, you seem to have put it on crooked.

Katiefucious: Mari, you made me LOL. Every time I try to look at this photo, I have to tilt my head sideways.

Dawn: This is what happens when you magnetize the base. The balls have to orbit the cock, like the solar system.

EuroBoy: It looks like a futuristic spaceship to me.

Maven: How is this even physiologically possible, to have the nuts parallel to the shaft? Ew.

TokenGay: I've heard of pulling up before the shot, but JEEZ! someone's sucking it in HARD! (no pun intended

Cindylou: Twin bed? or large chair?

Mari: Wicker? People still have wicker inside their houses?

Katiefucious: Everyone I know who still has wicker is over the age of 80.

Dawn: This is a puzzling configuration of things. White wicker bed suggests grammas house - or Palm Beach Gay man. Mirror above bed? Faux wood paneling? Fugly mess of blankets/quilts? I feel like Truman Capote should come in and write a Southern Gothic Tale about this tragedy - In Poor Taste. (and honestly - do any of you know how happy it makes me to be able to pull of a Truman Capote Joke? BAM!)

EuroBoy: It is simply to deflect our attention from the fact that he is slyly supporting his cockage with his thumb for this pic..

TokenGay: (I'm back! 10/8 sorry for the disappearance) Dawn, I'm impressed! Truman Capote would be too! but not in this guy. Besides, he's not gay, he'd be using that FABULOUS wicker fan to his advantage, not detrimement

10

2009-04-13T18:44:00.001-07:00

Cindylou: Pull the shade down!

Maven: Maybe it's the cammo bed linens, but I hardly could find "it."
Cindylou: The hanging shirts give nice pleasing symmetry to this

Maven: His cock has decided to go south for the winter.
Cindylou: Johnny uses his tongue as a guide for where to shave.

Maven: I can smell the pussy boogers in his beard from here.
Cindylou: It is so hard to get those nature photographs to come out good.

Maven: Love the perspective on this one.
Cindylou: No wedding ring!

Anita Cocktail: A torchiere lamp, a rainbow wall and a wrestling belt? For reals?

Maven: You dumb mother fucker. For "Jazz Hands" it's PALMS OUT!

The next Big TV show

2009-04-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Is that a girls shirt?

Maven: I love how it's pointing to the lack of a dust ruffle, as well as the kleenex from last night's jerkin' session.

Mari: It looks like cheap motel furnishings.

Dawn: Hows this for a movie/TV sell - A Man wakes up in a Super 8 - his balls have been shaved and his clothes stolen. The only thing left for him is a Picasso inspired ladies t-shirt. Will the GPS he craftily implanted in his cock show him the way home?

Katiefucious: To me, it looks like he's about to give the mattress some good lovin'...

EuroBoy: Dawn, he has lost his memory but can recite the kama sutra?

SW: It's fun to stay at the Y M C Aaaaaayyyyyy!

Katiefucious: Craigslist: Douchebag edition.

Cindylou: candles? you expect me to believe you bought candles?

Dawn: A rare Boytaur, spotted. (Do the work and google it you sick bastards)

EuroBoy: These men have obviously convinced themselves they are gonna get a bj through this ad.

Katiefucious: Yeah, that's right, I live wit mah MIZZOMM.

Cindylou: And I am using her camera!

Maven: In a pinch he could MacGuyver her pink shower cap into a condom.

Dawn: I find the angle of this whole photo to be very disconcerting. Like he is sending out his last pictures as the house slides into the ocean.

EuroBoy: I see - you got the balls and chain.

Katiefucious: I'm clueless as to what we're supposed to be looking at in this picture. Impressed by men who have two legs? I'm your man!

Dawn: Yep. Nothing gets me wetter than legs.

EuroBoy: When you've had it with boytaurs I guess...

Maven: This one reminds me of that pose Buffalo Bill made in Silence of the Lambs after he tucked his meat and started prancing around like a fool.

Katiefucious: Sashay, sashay, step, turn, jazz handssss!

Dawn: That carpet has some fucked up visual lines. And I am fixated on the ant trap by his calf. Which I suspect was NOT his intention.

EuroBoy: I wonder if he is holding something up above his head...what could it be?

Penis: "Thy Name is Mediocrity."

2009-04-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Maven: I find it sad and white-trashy that the cock appears to be pointing out the haphazard tile replacement in the bathroom. Nothing says, "Hot," quite like sitting on the shitter and snapping a picture.

Cindylou: Maven I think he is sitting on the floor!

Katiefucious: Maybe he's trying to hide the mess with his cock...

Dawn: I feel like he may be trying to send some kind of SOS in Cock Morse code after being hit on the head in the bathroom.

EuroBoy: Like a flare?

Maven: "... And on this week's 'Secret Lives of Gas Station Mini Mart Clerks'..."

Cindylou: at least he is employed

Katiefucious: Lures women in by leading them to believe he'll hook them up with some "free BIC"...

Dawn: Hey Douchebag. Turn on the fucking pump so I can get some gas out here, will ya? You'll have your whole fucking life to masturbate to your reflection. I got places to be.

EuroBoy: The only picture Ben could find of himself was from the security cam at work...

Maven: I could swear I've seen this specimen elsewhere! I shall name it, "Uni-balled cock and brick still life."

Cindylou: You can name it like it is art, Maven, but I am not hanging that on my wall!

Katiefucious: Gives new meaning to the phrase "banging your head against a brick wall"

Dawn: This is, of course, the failed follow up to Quiet Riots hit, "Bang your Head".

EuroBoy: The art of filling in the missing mortar is indeed called "pointing".

Maven: I love how the back lighting accentuates the lack of biceps and triceps, the lack of a defined belly, the lack of defined pectorals, and highlights the male version of "Gunt." Or as I like to call it, the "(un)Happy Trail." However in his defense, he (or his wife) keeps a tidy house

Cindylou: I think that I have seen enough!

Katiefucious: Maven, for me it's less like a trail, more like an avalanche...

Dawn: I thought the medical condition of immediate waist expansion upon putting on underwear was a myth, but I have been proven wrong.

EuroBoy: Well, judging from the background he at least has cable...

Maven: I could swear I've seen this one again, elsewhere, too. Oh? And? Um? Clutter makes me hawht.

Cindylou: When the police broke in, Brian immediately assumed the position.

Dawn: After a long day of intimidating immigrants, Bubba likes to do the chicken dance.

EuroBoy: I am sorry, but that move is simply not part of the "vogeltjesdans" Dawn

Really? Cakes beat this for funny? and no fatties.

2009-04-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Do you see that thing on the right? Have you voted?

DSS is having its humor ass handed to it by CAKES. CAKES, people. And Humorous License plates, among others.

May I share with you how eye searingly awful it can be to comb the Craigslist for these pictures? It is. Usually, It makes me want to shower with bleach and then poke my own eyes out with pokers. This sacrifice that I make, the images of "suck this hot load right now", the "no fatties" guy, the "VGL" guy who assures you that he can pound you all nite" and other terrible fountains of gizz spouting cocks have to count for something in this world, right?

The atrocious spelling alone I must wade through for these pictures should count for some kind of award.

Give me something. Anything. But not your hot load. I am all set with that.

One Person's Trash, Is Another's Treasure...well no, just more trash.

2009-04-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

Maven: I like the arrogance of this one. "Shrinkage? What shrinkage?" Cowboy hat and tank top in swimming pool? I bet he wears socks in bed, too.

Katiefucious: Ten gallon hat. Half-pint penis.

Dawn: You know he is going to try to impress you with his "one armed" push up later, don't you. Don't fall for it. It is a euphemism for his penis.

EuroBoy: The man from Atlantis returns in a Dallas mash up.

Katiefucious: Aww how cute. It's a face! The nipples are the eyes, there's a little mustachio in the fat roll, and the bellybutton is saying "O."

Maven: See for me? The belly button is the nose of this "Man-o-lantern." Loathe the pubus shaving. It's just sick to be that hairy and have a bald pudendum.

Mari: EEWWW! I have to go wash my eyes out with ammonia now.

Cindylou: It is the Shar Pei Man!

Dawn: I don't think I would ever say this phrase, but I am glad that he is covered in THAT much hair.

EuroBoy: This is what happens if parent praise too much...no sir, only your mom thinks your the most handsome boy on earth. And what happened to your other arm?

Maven: "Sunburn: the next up-and-coming fetish!"

Katiefucious: Steve likes to air dry after a full-body wax.

Cindylou: Somehow the aura is hardly angelic

Dawn: This is what happens after you come out of the matix AND get arrested.

EuroBoy: Why the towel? Does he have a hairy butt?

Maven: From whence was this pilfered? A white-aryan-nation dating site?

Mari: That is the cage he is going to keep his next girlfriend in.

Cindylou: I think he just got out of the cage!

Katiefucious: Women thought Earl was just making an innuendo when he said he wanted to show them his "trouser chinchilla."

Dawn: There are many moments when I see a picture on Criaglist and feel like laughing. With this one, I just wanted to put out an APB on any of his old girlfriends - cause I think I know where they may be right now. In his "kennel".

EuroBoy: Gunther here sometimes wishes he was back in the Fatherland. He is looking for girls named Helga or Heidi.

Maven: Not sure about his cock, but dayum he has entirely too many electrical cords!!

Cindylou: and he can rewire your battery operated devices!

Mari: With all of those extension cords, I would bet that he isn't an electrician.

Katiefucious: He pretends to be an electrician, but he really uses them to tie up unwilling victims...

Dawn: Dale isn't kidding when he tells the wife he needs to go and drain the hose.

EuroBoy: Garage clean-up sublimation - common in frustrated men.

This one goes out to our homies in prison

2009-04-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

Mari: Perhaps it just doesn't like orange.

Dawn: Despite repeated testing, Cocks don't make good pool cues.

EuroBoy: Perhaps if he primed it first with the blue cue stuff...

Maven: "SWM ISO SWF for conjugal visits..."

Mari: And speaking of "prisoner road clean up crews"...

Dawn: At least this one believes in truth in advertising. You KNOW he is going to steal your shit right up front.

EuroBoy: And he is not even 6 feet tall...

Maven: ... ?

Mari: My first thought was that the picture had to be taken in a gay bar.

Dawn: Nope. It is the "American Society for the Hetero Appreciation of Freddie Mercury" club. Straight guys like Freddie too!

EuroBoy: Favourite movie? Querelle!

Maven: I am sensing a theme between this one and the first picture of this post. Hard. Shiny. Yet pointing downward. Dejected? Depressed?

Mari: I would be depressed too if I were attached to that.

Dawn: No evolution? Look! This one just crawled out of the fish tank. Take that, intelligent designers.

EuroBoy: Either a fish tank or a vat of toxic waste, either that or he's been swimming in the Han river...

Maven: ... ?

Mari: Is that a knitting basket under the table??

Dawn: And a Coffee tin on the table? Your marketing strategy is remarkably difficult to pin down.

EuroBoy: What is with the decapitated look?

Neuticles and Muppets and Pepsi, Oh My

2009-03-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: It looks like his balls died.

Maven: His testicles look "afflicted," and deflated. Neuticles to the rescue!

Mari: It looks like a snake shedding its skin.

Dawn: Oh my. I feel as if Sarte's existential angst has been summed up in one cock picture.

EuroBoy: It however makes us all feel like Edvard Munk's Scream

Cindylou: Manscaping + nude sunbathing + Aloe Vera gel.

Maven: For flexibility, I'll rate him an 8.25 on a scale of 10. On rigidity, 8.5.

Mari: He still wonders why the neighbors put up the privacy fence.

Dawn: This guy must walk side to side, like a crab.

EuroBoy: I am just waiting for him to fall through the chair and for one of those slats to give him a wedgie to remember...

Cindylou: Watch carefully as the hooded cobra prepares to strike at what appears to be a rodent on the floor.

Maven: Looks like he's smuggling a depressed Muppet in his BVDs.

Mari: Where is the rest of it?

Dawn: While most penises spit a milky fluid - this one seems to spit hairballs.

EuroBoy: That's some kidney stone, sir.

Cindylou: Dude you are at your mom's; no guy has curtains like that.

Maven: Har har... clever use of Pepsi can.

Dawn: I bet he finds "Blondie" cartoons funny. And cindylou? That set is CLEARLY scrounged from Mom's basement castoffs.

EuroBoy: Perhaps he is hoping to be the choice for the older new generation. Either that or he may be French Canadian, which could explain the curtains.

Cindylou: So modest right there in front of the toilet. Shampoo bottle?

Maven: ...?

Mari: Why do men still wear these? They just scream "old man".

Dawn: Note to guys - if your back fat is Larger than your cock, reconsider your photo.

EuroBoy: The birth of a new abstinence promoting super hero - Anti Erotic Man! Perhaps he should team up with the abstinence clown?

Utter Asshattery

2009-03-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

Mari: His Mom still won't let him take the training wheels off.

Maven: OOH, garage clutter gets me hot.

Dawn: This sums up some essential quality of men looking for NSA sex. What is it? Oh yes. Utter asshattery.

EuroBoy: Yes this is an AUP, an Asshatter of Unusual Proportions.

Mari: Not appealing in the slightest.

Maven: Unless this was posted in a "ISO Down-low Connection" type of personal ad. Just ew.

Dawn: Adam always thought the lattice in the bathroom was acting like a dirty slut with all those open holes - until he got stuck.

EuroBoy: This what happens when you watch 'Chicago' one too may times; he had it coming.

Mari: Butterflies? Did your stylist color your hair to match the shower curtain?

Maven: I'm convinced this was snapped at his grandmother's house. All that's lacking is a crocheted toilet paper cozy to make me 100% certain.

Dawn: Apparently, this one likes the decoupage.

EuroBoy: Lepitopterists need loving too.

Mari: Likes to westle great white sharks in his spare time.

Maven: Hello douchebag! There's such a program called "Paint" here you can crop that crap out! Put forth a little effort, yanno? I bet he's a lazy lay in bed, too.

Dawn: And the ghost of the Klansman followed TJ around, where ever he went.

EuroBoy: The way he removed the ex-girlfriend from the pic does disturbingly point to some lingering issues...

Maven: Nice biceps, and has that, "Oh you caught me as I was going to jerk the gerkin" look on his face.

Dawn: I find the white piano to be an intriguing addition to the photo. Honestly - I have never seen a white piano in anyones house. Is he in a funeral parlor?

EuroBoy: Not quite how I pictured the piano man...

The doctor of Love

2009-03-23T06:33:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Nope, I don't believe for one second that you are a doctor

Mari: I do believe that he is in the hospital. I would ask for a full medical release on the first date.

Maven: Medical nothing! I'd need clearance from his social worker and his parole officer.

Dawn: Some people call him the space cowboy, some call him the Doctor of love. (Apologies to SMB)

EuroBoy: Games doctors play, shirts vs. skins.

Cindylou: It looks like a brillo pad come to life and about to put a choke hold on him.

Mari: It looks like a hairy little vienna sausage.

Maven: It's like the end of the world and all that remains is feral pubic hair. (After seeing the chocolate loveliness in the preceeding picture, I literally screamed out loud when I saw this monster.)

Dawn: I think his underwear is giving us a hint = BOGS

EuroBoy: Even the alien abductors gave this one a pass...

Cindylou: One merit point for using a laundry basket!

Mari: It looks like he made his bed too.

Maven: If Burt Reynolds' mustache and Jimmy Durante's nose were to have a bastard mutant love child, it'd look like his dick.

Dawn: This one just screams "I plan on heaving on top of you for 2-5 minutes while noisily mouth breathing and then collapsing in a pile of sweaty doughy flesh" to me.

EuroBoy: Five bucks says he may not even reach 2 minutes, as he's been naked computing all day judging by the monitor in the back.

Cindylou: I can't see it, I can't see it!

Mari: Where is that magnifying glass...

Maven: Perhaps he should put that white stuff on his dong that lifeguards put on their noses. Could you imagine getting a melanoma THERE?

Dawn: His face has experienced a Batman-esque BOOM! POW! OOF!

EuroBoy: It's the too even tan that is most freaky here...

Cindylou: I do not get the whole pierced thing. I know I must be missing something.

Mari: "Let's get drunk and get something pierced" Imagine how that felt in the morning.

Maven: Imagine how it felt for the weeks/months it took to heal up! He didn't piss right for weeks!

Dawn: Tyler was super bummed when his girlfriend clarified that all she REALLY wanted was a G-Spot vibrator.

EuroBoy: Or, did she simply send him for a "printer cable" and dyslexic Tyler accidentally read it as "prince albert"?

He's a lumberjack and he's OK!

2009-03-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

Josie: It's giving directions, how useful.

Katiefucious: That is a stunning lack of hair. Maybe it's pointing to where Chris Matthews is hiding with the camera crew...

Dawn: It grows towards the light. Carrie Ann - stay away from the light!

EuroBoy: Your parents will not like that stain on the dining room chair.

Maven: With curvature like that, it's a shame the G-spot isn't on that side of the vagina. PS: Nothing quite like mid-to-late 30s "scrotal droop."

Cindylou: I actually like his ass, at the risk of being ridiculed

Josie: Table of supplements, plastic furniture, macy's bag. He does have good quads. Must be the gluclosamine.

Dawn: Nah, Josie - He was fighting the other brides at the wedding dress clearance sale.

EuroBoy: The red star underlines the left leaning of this man's penis.

Mari: I agree with Cindylou, he does have a nice ass.

Cindylou: So he closed the blinds in the office then stepped into the living room to take the picture?

Josie: Well, maybe he's not much to look at- but you always have that view.

Katiefucious: At least until his neighbors complain.

Dawn: Bubba here spies his next girlfriend out there on the range.

EuroBoy: Baby it's cold outside- and by the droopy look of things it may be somewhat cold inside as well - perhaps it is time to talk about isolation?

Josie: Seriously? Seriously? This is one of those scum lords that sneaks into apartments and steals womens underwear.

Katiefucious: Doesn't look like there's much in those underwear. Maybe that's why he steals the small pairs...

Dawn: He's a lumberjack and he's OK!

EuroBoy: Next: suspenders and a bra!

Schnapps: I don't know about you guys, but half-naked with a chainsaw doesn't seem like a good idea. Although, if it were the other half naked, it might be a gift to mankind.

Josie: The Bobbits did reproduce!

Katiefucious: Is that supposed to be a phallic representation?

Dawn: I notice a distinct lack of trees in his yard.

EuroBoy: Next on Lumber Jackass...

An Asian Fetish and much much more

2009-03-18T06:26:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: I feel like this was taken at a halfway house

Dawn: I wasn't aware that the tradition of Japanese Yurei was considered by some to be a seductive gesture. Did you mistake Ringu or Ju-on as erotic movies sir?

EuroBoy: And he's got a bedspread made of metal t-shirts!

Cindylou: What can I do for you today? Obviously a customer SERVICE rep...

Maven: After being here commenting a bit, I now view all stains on the chairs at work as "dubiously DNA in nature."

Dawn: And this photo is entitled: A Cell phone sales man takes his casual Friday a bit too far.

EuroBoy: The things they let the IT staff get away with!

Cindylou: There is no way this guy is not married, flowered wallpaper below the chair rail?

Mari: And that lamp! It's hideous.

Maven: Decor looks like "Del Boca Vista" retirement village, where the scent of mothballs and ass permeate the air. That's HAWT.

Dawn: Awwww. He's so proud he got it up -That took 4 Viagra's to get it so hard and shiny!

EuroBoy: Not enough shine to distract from the rather portly belly though...

CindyLou: Look this guy has tattoos leaking out his nipples, quick call Ripley's.

Maven: Methinks he's got an Asian fetish.

Dawn: HEY! Check out the dude in the first picture - I think we have a love match here!

EuroBoy: Karate Kid 2010 - wax on and off my chest.

Cindylou: O! Alien probe gone horribly wrong!

Maven: This reminds me of the Beanis I crocheted not long ago. Looking at this makes me think I should have worked some veins onto the shaft in surface crochet. This one? I suspect taken at his parents' home, with them in the next room watching Jeopardy.

Dawn: This guy is planning on calling into Savage Love and complaining that he just can't get off with his lady friends. Of course what he has failed to mention to Dan is the perma-dent in his junk from the death lock he keeps on it 12 hours a day.

EuroBoy: Maven, I would like to pick the category "Cock and Balls" for 300 please...

You get what you pay for

2009-03-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Hypochondriac?

Mari: I thought that they were bottles of sexual lubricants.

Maven: I thought they were small bottles of acrylic paint. Perhaps he overcompensates for a small penis by crafting ones out of papier mache and paint?

Dawn: I'd personally like to draw some attention to the rainbow sheets. And I do not believe they are being used in a "out and proud" kinda way.

EuroBoy: I am with Cindylou, it looks like he inherited what was left of Anne Nicole's stash.

Katiefucious: It does not impress me that your boobs are bigger than mine.

Cindylou: Nor me.

Maven: MEWBS.

Dawn: Fred found that nursing for the past two years really did a number on the firmness of his pec's. Maybe he should have bought the good bras after all.

EuroBoy: Lay off the Lavender and Tea Tree oils, Sir.

Cindylou: Take the pingpong paddle out of your underwear!

Maven: Is that the Weather Channel he's got on in the background? I bet it's more compelling than what's in the foreground.

Dawn: Tyler's novel explanation of the Pythagorean Theorem didn't earn his lesson plan the marks he was hoping for.

EuroBoy: Tyler should watch it. Those undies are obviously cotton and will get permanently stretched. and simply not look right.

Cindylou: The extra set of feet are disturbing to me, very disturbing!

Mari: I don't think that it is supposed to be that shade of yellow. I recommend seeing a doctor.

Maven: "Jaundiced Johnson."

Dawn: Get that man hooked up to some bilirubin lights - STAT!

EuroBoy: The continuing mystery of disturbing places for nicotine stains...

Cindylou: Darren collects NFL Commemorative Plates and posters of waterfalls.

Mari: I imagine that the waterfall poster belongs to his wife.

Dawn: I bet that is one of those posters they sell in the mall - the ones that look like they are moving. He usese it to Hyp-mo-tize his lady friends. Then he dances for them in his Saturday Night Fever replica suit.

EuroBoy: Darn it Dawn, you are right! Disturbingly, this is how he is stayin alive...

Mysteries Revealed

2009-03-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: When Bubba gets home he checks himself for ticks.

Mari: Bubba had to move when the neighborhood association kicked him out because he refused to hang curtains.

Dawn: At last - a photo of the elusive French Door Tea bagger! Wanted in states everywhere for his desecration of cookie cutter housing developments everywhere!

EuroBoy: Proof that anything "French" can be arousing...

Cindylou: Something, no wait, everything about this screams GAY man!

Mari: I thought that gay men kept their places inordinarily tidy. I spy clutter.

Maven: Is his right nut playing coy? Is it out? Is it in? Is it out? WTF? And just ... ew overall. I get the distinct whiff of career masturbator-meets-booze-and-too-many-cigarettes.

Dawn: First let me be clear - I only take pics from the M4W section. And no self respecting gay man I have EVER known would keep that wood paneling and fugly pink lamp. Oh Token Gay, Where are you when we need you?

EuroBoy: Perhaps he is French?

Cindylou: Knock Knock! who's there?

Maven: Sherwood! [Sherwood who?] Sherwood like to meet you! Har Har.

Mari: Look! He taught it how to answer the door.

Dawn: That would be some unfortunate Pavlovian conditioning there. "Dylan, get the door, your grandmother is coming for Dinner. OH MY GOD! Dylan why is your penis doing that?!"

EuroBoy: Houdini's masterpiece revisited: cock-lock picking

Cindylou: Jimmy got dressed for the semiformal dance and mom took his picture.

Maven: Ever presumptuous and prepared, Jimmy put on a condom before heading out to the semiformal.

Dawn: What disturbed me about this photo was not this fella's over formality, it was the assortment of statues in the back. He likes... Beethoven? Nefertiti? and Icarus?

EuroBoy: Dawn, I bet you he's a freemason or some such, I can just picture another Da Vinci type mystery in there..

Katiefucious: Four men placed this ad. Unfortunately, none of them had a brain.

Cindylou: It's like the funhouse!

Mari: It looks like his hand is missing.

Maven: Perhaps this was posted for men/women who love to be "fisted" with an amputee's stump...

Dawn: Only "Bro love" would allow one friend to help his buddy out by taking pictures in the mens locker room for the Casual encounters ad. Either that or his friend planned on masturbating on this after he took it when his friend sent it to him believeing he was a "hot blonde female college student, 105, 36DD, looking for cum facials" on craigslist.

EuroBoy: Finally the truth about illicit camps in the border regions of Pakistan, as shown here: picture proof of the rumored Milf Hunter training camp near Khar.

I know why the black cock cries

2009-03-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: ROFLMAO! Not sexy dude, so not sexy

Mari: Nice Cock.

Maven: I love black cock.

Dawn: Can you imagine this coming at you? I might LITERALLY choke that chicken.

EuroBoy: He is obviously a french speaker and is taking the "Coq" rooster thing a bit too far...

Cindylou: Eat a cheeseburger, drink a milkshake, get a life

Maven: This isn't good for anyone. Srsly.

Dawn: How does he get his torso to do that? I am now suspicious that he is doing a little auto erotic asphyxiation right now...

EuroBoy: I am quite frankly speechless...why was this shot chosen?

Cindylou: The little known side effects of using the inflatable vagina doll

Maven: Holy Shitake! Is this a cock or a flesh colored mushroom?

Dawn: While every gal enjoys a good railing now and again.... Cervical Pummeling, not so much.

EuroBoy: This is what happens if you consistently only eat the muffin top!

Cindylou: Crouching Dragon, hidden? Tiger

Mari: Dude. Find the closet door and crawl the hell out already!

Maven: To be honest? This guy should belong on Hot Chicks w/Douchebags.com only minus the hot chicks... obviously.

Dawn: I think we now know just WHO sells these tapestries next to the roadside.

EuroBoy: It's the eye of the tiger it's the thrill...well, let's be honest, not much of a thrill here...

Mari: Going for the minimalist look...

Maven: Reminds me of that scene in Close Encounters when Richard Dreyfus sees that mountain for the first time.

Dawn: This is what we put in Area 53.

EuroBoy: It looks like he is spooging the mirror frame...

We imagine a new video game

2009-03-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

Cindylou: Guy, at least get it up before the photo.

Maven: Methinks he went overboard on the ink to overcompensate for his "shrinky dink."

Mari: If it is that cold in your house, throw another log on the fire.

Dawn: You all know that blanket smells like wet dog, oil and sour Budweiser.

EuroBoy: I swear he was going for a Superman cape type pose here...

Cindylou: Ten to one it is "sparkling grape juice" and not wine

Mari: He looks like he is getting ready to rob a bank.

Maven: ... or engage in a bit o'the date rape.

Dawn: Nah baby, he's a toastin' The Night Train....

EuroBoy: Codemonkey in his natural habitat...

Cindylou: I am distracted by all the crap in the background.

Mari: No wonder he can't keep a girlfriend. He is surrounded by filth.

Maven: I wonder if he's actually playing "Guitar Hero" on his dick...

Dawn: We need to patent that idea Maven - we would make a fucking fortune - "Cock Hero"

EuroBoy: You can demo it at the annual Air Guitar World Championships contest in Oulu, Finland!

Cindylou: How many pairs of shoes do you own? (no offense Dawn, you are a woman)

Mari: I am a woman and he still has more shoes than me.

Dawn: While it is true that I am the owner of MANY shoes, I would not put them in the bathroom in one of those door hanger things. Too much humidity for the leather.

Cindylou: Pleaseplease tell me that is soap, please let me believe that it is soap.

Maven: I will never look at opaque liquid handsoap at other people's houses the same way again.

Mari: Sir, you might want to get that aligned. It seems to be pulling to the right.

Dawn: In addition, your tub seems to have a depth issue. Either that, or you are a giant.

EuroBoy: Perhaps it is fungal? From too much humidity?

Don't Taze me.

2009-03-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Katiefucious: Someone needs to iron their wrinkly penis.

Maven: What are the two darkened indents (on either side at the base of the shaft)? I wanna jab a meat hook into it.

Dawn: Methinks he already DID Maven. I think we have a Cock and Ball Torture lover in the hizz-ouse.

EuroBoy: It looks like his owner is talking to him...

Cindylou: I am oddly entranced by the cd, I think I have that NERO cd at my desk.

Maven: Um? It's so ... "matte." Did he put on a pressed powder or concealer? Looks like it was snapped in the basement of his mom's home.

Dawn: I remain fascinated by the background. It looks like Monopoly Money...a basic chemistry set, a packet of smokes... Shit. I barely even SEE the cock there.

EuroBoy: The most puzzling is the bottle to the left - what's in it?

Cindylou: You sir, are not single, not with that bedding

Katiefucious: Nor is he childless, for those look like a little girl's sheets...

Maven: Granted, he may not be single or childless... but I doubt he's seen any action for a while. This position isn't good for anyone.

Mari: Seriously, this shot had me laughing so hard I was crying. And it isn't even that funny.

Dawn: His last words "No! Don't Taze me!"

EuroBoy: It is cool though that he got his penis to stay within the blue lines...I bet you he never steps on the cracks while on the sidewalk.

Cindylou: And you sir, not with the stuffed animals

Katiefucious: I like that carpet. Berber is easy to get stains out of.

Mari: Your Wife/Girlfriend/Mother wants you to quit wearing her panties.

Maven: I can imagine his personal ad: "Single male ISO single female with carpet scrubbing and laundry fetish..." Furthermore: Um? Is that a thong or an intentional wedgie?

Dawn: Wow. And he even put his cap on backwards for us. You are quite a charmer.

EuroBoy:Still, I hope he uses scotch guard on the Berber.

Cindylou: Grey pubes? Really?

Katiefucious: PC terms: "dignified pubes" or "mature pubes."

Maven: Granted the geriatri-pubes may be greying, but look at his dick, it doesn't look a day over what? 49? 52? I'd know more definitive if he were posing with his balls hanging free. Scrotal droop is akin to rings on a tree, the longer they sag, the older the motherfucker.

Dawn: No Maven. He would tell you he is a "youthful 42"...which in CL terms means 63.

EuroBoy: I am freaked out by the substrate, is that blue velvet?

Pretty poses

2009-02-26T06:19:00.000-08:00

Cindylou: POW! BAM! OOOFF!

Maven: Same Bat Channel... Same Bat Fetish!

Dawn: Yet another Bat mystery answered. The curtains Do match the bed spread.

EuroBoy: Perhaps this is a toofer? Does the Boy Wonder come with?

Cindylou: Kyle XY? Dude you have no belly button.

Mari: That is just too weird.

Maven: Obviously he jerks the gerkin with his right hand. Okay I get it. The tiny over-shaven balls? Ya lost me there. But Sweet Merciful Jebus... where's his navel?

Dawn: Brave New World meets Low grade Porn.

EuroBoy: The truth about Star Trek's "Data".

Cindylou: I get the feeling someone is holding a gun to his head

Mari: Surely he could find a better room to pose in - I mean really? The kitchen sink??

Maven: I will never look at a wooden stool the same way evar. Um ew?

Dawn: "And now, to disgust the capitalist dogs, I will pose Naked and masturbate furiously to completion"

EuroBoy: Nasdrovje!

Cindylou: Pink bathrobe?

Maven: Ditto that and wtf with the florals?

Dawn: I clearly chose this one for the obvious dissonance between the palm tree upholstery, pink bathrobe, and large black penis.

EuroBoy: Well, mission accomplished- this is quite the smorgasbord.

Cindylou: I spy the obligatory lotion bottle.

Mari: Those curtains seem awful frilly for a single guy.

Maven: Agreed! Two things: This bastard needs some sunshine; and what type of pose is he striking there? A mountain climber?

Dawn: I'm gonna guess thats a water bed. And I dub that pose the "David Lee Roth"

EuroBoy: It's one of those wire-work flying karate poses, if you'd ask me...