Metaphors Gone Wild

Sb: If you're going to show that much, it just makes me wonder why you're hiding the rest.

Schnapps: Looking for the bright side: at least he solved the underwear issue by going commando?

Maven: If this cock were one of the Seven Dwarfs, it would be "Bashful."

Dawn: Did you NOT see Ben Stillers zipped up junk in "There's something about Mary?" Cause thats ALL I can think about when I see these pictures

Sb: I'm glad to see our military...that's all. I'm just glad to see our military.

Schnapps: what's with his butt cheek squishing out sideways?

Maven: Don't ask, don't tell... where his cock is.

Dawn: He's thinking....about how to storm your beach. wink, wink

Sb: As I have said so often before "Schwing!"

Maven: This one puts the "Bone" in trombone!

Dawn: As a quilter, I HIGHLY object to your use of that quilt as a backdrop. Do you have any idea how hard those fucking triangles are to sew? Your peen offends my quilting view.

SB: WHAT is up with that tilty picture? Are you trying to distract me from the fact that you look like a total doofus?

Dawn: I was unaware that there was a pickup bar inside the Ripleys Believe it or Not museum.

Sb: I will admit that hairy guys don't do it for me. But this hairlessness has gone just a little too far...like un-human too far.

Maven: So many things wrong here... the computer chair? The boxes? And yet, it appears as if the cock is attempting to convey: "It went thattta way."

Dawn: If you don't give me a blowjob right now, I'm jumping. ( and other suicide threats of the horny and stupid)

Ten Hut!

Maven: I'm disturbed by the presence of a wristwatch, as well as palming the basketball.

EuroBoy: Closeted jock wanting to come out.

Dawn: Audition tape for the Nude Basketball Olympics?

EuroBoy: Undercover tibetan monk trying hard to integrate

The Hip Housewife: Eminem meets the Dali Lama. Well, you do cover all the bases that way.

Dawn: That tapestry is two seconds from bursting into flames from that lamp. We ain't talking fire retardant fabrics here.


Maven: This one makes the eight pound baby Jesus cry.

Dawn: Eight pound six ounce baby Jesus. Shake and Bake, baby

EuroBoy: Gangsta for Jesus. You! Yeah you, want some of this? Huh. You want some of his praying for you?

The Hip Housewife: When your grandma finds out you've been in her room, she's going to be pissed.

Maven: I love the symetry of his balls. They are perfectly parallel! And the shaft? "Fill it to the rim with HIM!"

EuroBoy: Ten hut! This looks like a "Stripes" outtake to me...probably something in the back of the winnebago...

The Hip Housewife: I dunno. I like penises that are a little more....opaque.

Dawn: The leg of what ever he is sitting on looks perilously close to cracking. Its all fun and games until someone is impaled by their photo props.

Maven: I can smell the stale weed, rancid beer and body odor now.

EuroBoy: You just can't even Febreze that...

The Hip Housewife: Interior design by Little Edie Beale.

Dawn: Wow. I think my vagina just tried to crawl up into me and disappear.

Subliminal Messages

Maven: From the looks of the purple-ish end, I suspect he also jammed his schlong INTO the can he's using as a unit of measurement for his...er... uh... "unit."

EuroBoy: Like we haven't seen this before. Why not branch out? Slowly at first - with say, a can of Sprite and work your way up to a Dr. Pepper. Come on! Dare to be different!

The Hip Housewife: Why don't any of these guys drink Snapple? I'd get turned on by a Snapple bottle comparison.

Dawn: Sum total of sexual experience with a real live lady = One.

Maven: Are those teddy bears or skulls and crossbones (the pattern on the thigh highs)?

EuroBoy: He Can Can Can

The Hip Housewife: For some reason the words 'I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard.' are coming to mind.

Dawn: I don't fuck men with prettier legs than mine.


EuroBoy: Your idea of foreplay is to toss ye olde pig skin around?

The Hip Housewife: At least he irons.

Dawn: It isn't even a real football. Its a plush toy. Which makes it that much more puzzling.

Maven: And this still life I shall title: "Droopy scrote on futon."

EuroBoy: The full title perhaps ought to be Droopy scrote on futon with flat feet and flanking bum tattoos?

The Hip Housewife: Or, See Potential Lovers Run

Dawn:

EuroBoy: I think you are mistaken, angels WILL fear to tread here...

The Hip Housewife: My daughter is the girliest girl there ever was and that pink would even make her say "My eyes hurt."

Dawn: Don't look now, but there is a fairy on your shoulder...

When gravity calls

Maven: Can I see that thong... that thong tha thong thong thong. Um? No thanks.

EuroBoy: Yes doubling up is not always a good idea - the same goes for sport bras.

Dawn: That, sir, is NOT your best lighting choice.

The Hip Housewife: Let's see, lighter in one hand, porn on the telly, wearing two pairs of panties. When 420 time gets away from you.

Dawn: Oh my god, the paint fumes! They ate away his clothes!

Maven: I bet he fries bacon naked, too.

EuroBoy: For you dear? Anything.

The Hip Housewife: Showing us that he's sexual but handy at the same time! Clever.

EuroBoy: He thinks you got a purdy mouth..

The Hip Housewife: Wow, Billy Bob's gotten desperate.

Dawn: Bad Santa on Easter.

EuroBoy: Is that is the laziest cock ever? Is gravity uncannily strong where you live? Truly, you need to support your poor beast with an entire roll? And it was the best shot three year's running?

The Hip Housewife: Does he sweat THAT much?

Dawn: There have got to be better ways to keep your balls dry.
Maven: How novel. A kickstand.

EuroBoy: I miss the PhotoShop drop shadow.

The Hip Housewife: Nice floors.

Dawn: An awkward moment in Naked Yoga, for sure.

Swamp thingy!

Sb: When he says he loves his dog, he means he really loves his dog.

EuroBoy: How does a man with that little hair use that much shampoo? Fleas?

Dawn: The dog is clearly telegraphing "Call the SPCA stat"

Sb: Oh say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, over the land of the free and the peen of the lame?

EuroBoy: I guess the flag is the only thing he raises...

Maven: There are provisions in the U.S. Flag Code which prohibit such use.

Dawn: Wow. Newt Gingrich will go to any length to get a blow job.

Sb: He dwells in the forest, under a large rock, where the sun never shines.

EuroBoy: Swamp thingy?

Dawn: In the mythical forest, where ejaculate grows into men.

SB: I'd love to blow you, but I just can't with all those characters watching.

EuroBoy: Johnson felt sad and left out as he had no tattoo.

Maven: When I see guys having manscaped to this point, I always suspect they're cancer patients. Between that and the forlorn position of the cock... I don't know what makes me feel worse.

Dawn: Is the tat on the left a freakin Klansman?


Sb: I'd love to blow you, but I just can't while I am thinking about you getting shit stains on your gramma's best dining room chair.

EuroBoy: He placed it carefully on the chair, not breaking the pattern.

Maven: Given the amount of scrotal droop, I suspect he's 45... 44... 45... yes, 45 years old (give or take 2 months).

Dawn: You've heard of Flat Stanley, now meet Droopy Peter.

When in doubt

The Hip Housewife: Is he trying to show us that he knows how to wipe?

Maven: I just don't get the action shot!

EuroBoy: The three legged man is trying to run away.

Dawn: Judging from this angle and position of the fridge, I think he is somehow hanging off the table...And IS the fridge door open?

The Hip Housewife: Dude, here's a tip. Buy one size up from what you think you need.

Maven: I'm not "into thongs," however, I do believe they should be disposable. Gah. Laundry day! Gah!

EuroBoy: This attire may be more appreciated at the Blue Oyster Bar.

Dawn: Desk job - I can tell the way the hair has been worn off his ass cheeks...

The Hip Housewife: Words are failing me.

EuroBoy: He really thinks so!

Dawn: When in doubt, do the robot.

The Hip Housewife: Oh dear god, it's a prehensile penis! I wonder if he can write with that thing too.

Maven: Speaking of Prehensile...

EuroBoy: Perhaps there is something better behind those two doors? I'll pick #2.

Dawn: Tyrone hoped that forcing his penis to read music everyday might get him a scholarship to Julliard.



The Hip Housewife: Because nothin' says "I'm a winner" more than a marijuana leaf tattooed on your body!

EuroBoy: The clock is to underline the greyness of your beard?

Dawn: Hickory dickory dock, I want you to be sucking my cock - BAM!

A special Can-Can dancer

Sb: And now -- The Royal Cock!

EuroBoy: Purple Rain is in the forecast.

Maven: The thing looks ANGRY, like it had been slammed in a car door... one too many times.

Dawn: I don't recall THIS scene in Moulin Rouge

Sb: Call me old fashioned, but while I don't mind looking at your cock before I meet you, I'd rather save the asscrack for the second date.

EuroBoy: What are you doing with that leg? Holding the bookcase up? Opening the window? Goose stepping?

Maven: What is he pointing to on his unit?

Dawn: This one hopes to be a Can-Can dancer some day

Sb: This is one case where a cute cartoon character does NOT make me feel like smiling.

EuroBoy: Did this come from Gary Glitter's hard drive?

Maven: It's disturbing, this should be named: "Still life: cock with frog prince area rug."

Dawn: Once that frog gets it in the eye, he won't be so happy.

SB: Hm...feeling horny?

EuroBoy: He's smiling because he won the bet, Dan - his best friend and neighbour - has got the other end, Rudolph's ass on his wall.

Dawn: Clearly single. No woman would allow this hot decorating mess.

Sb: Why do I have a feeling that cheating on your very religious wife gives you quite a thrill?

EuroBoy: Listed turn ons: reciting Latin and holy shower.

Maven: Gah!

Dawn: The funeral home cross thief is caught red handed.